Food, Glorious Food!

August 4, 2000

Whenever anything becomes popular enough, there’s a reaction against it. Newton’s Third Law Of Motion seems to apply to cultural movements, so if there’s one person on the planet who wears earrings as lapel pins, someone out there is vehemently against the wearing of earrings as lapel pins. It’s when something becomes really popular, like being a vegetarian, that the opposition becomes noticeable. A lot more people are becoming vegetarians these days, for their health, because they recently toured an abattoir, or simply because they can’t get that article about veal calves out of their heads.

So it didn’t surprise me the other day when I got a flyer in the mail from CARE–Carnivores Acting Responsibly and Ethically. What I found inside disturbed me: a picture of a carrot gruesomely sliced open, with forceps pulling its flesh back to expose…well, whatever’s in the inside of carrots. An article titled "A Vegetable Tragedy" below the picture contained the following information: "Every year millions of pounds of carrots are subjected to untested pesticides, poor watering, and left vulnerable to vermin. Then, at the peak of their lives, they’re plucked, screaming, from their peaceful subterranean existence and packed into airless plastic bags. Many more are peeled, packed into cans, and left to turn to mush, while others are pureed in a hideous process that leaves them a thick, orange liquid. Meanwhile, on so-called organic farms, carrots are starved without proper fertilizer, forced to grow alongside other vegetables in rows that stunt their natural growth, and sold at exorbitant prices. Don’t let this continue to happen! Turn away from the vegetable aisle in your grocery store! For more information, call 1-888-MMM-MEAT!"

Wow. Now I’m afraid to eat anything. Meanwhile, I got a flyer in the mail this morning from PAB–People Against Breathing. I think I’m just going to throw this one away.

Enjoy this week’s offerings.


  • When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it’s really dead.

  • If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, that was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed necrophilia or satanic practices, move away immediately.

  • Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

  • Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

  • As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

  • If you find a town which looks deserted, it’s probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.

  • Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you are doing.

  • If you’re in a spaceship, make sure the escape module can hold the entire crew. If it can’t, take it and leave before anything happens.

  • Do not stockpile large amounts of weaponry in your basement. They’ll either be useless against the monster, or he’ll get there before you do.

  • If you’re running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you. Note: Many movie monsters may be unused to confrontation. Despite the fact that the monster may have killed all your friends, remember that it caught them by surprise. As long as you know where the monster is, you have a chance.

  • Do not keep all your sharpened kitchen knifes in one of those wooden block thingies on your worksurface.

  • When you’re searching a house because you think there’s something dangerous there, for God’s sake turn the bloody lights on!

  • If the lights are bloody, do not continue searching the house. Leave immediately.

  • Never back out of one room into another without looking. It’s always behind you.

  • Never, ever, ever turn off the paved road onto a gravel or dirt road.

  • Always make sure that your car has a fresh battery so it will start immediately in times of crisis.

  • Don’t count on your car to start even if it does have a fresh battery. Have some alternate form of transportation (such as a military helicopter) ready.

  • Never say that you’ll be right back because you won’t.

  • If anything other than water (blood, thick goo of any color)comes out of a faucet, do not call a plumber. Leave the house immediately.

  • If, looking in a mirror, you see a figure behind you that you don’t see upon turning around, you see a different room than the one you are in, you see a figure other than yourself looking back, or your reflection tells you to get out before it is too late, proceed to the nearest exit with all speed.

  • If you open a door and the room you see is not the room that should be there, do not explore it. In fact, even if you close the door and see the correct room after re-opening it, vacate the house.

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