August 11, 2000
The other day I was opening a bag of chips. The bag was one of those shiny pseudo-aluminum foil bags, decorated in bold shades of green and pink that nature never intended to exist separately, much less together, when my eyes, throbbing from the pressure of a stress headache, fell on the words "You may already be a winner!" Somehow these words were like a nail driven into my already screaming forehead, and, like the masochist I deny being, I actually started to read the contest instructions. Now, I’m not big on contests. I don’t follow lotteries. Even if I had a winning lottery ticket I probably wouldn’t realize it because, while the world was biting its nails, the ticket would already have been destroyed in the laundry. Of course the fact that the chances of winning a lottery are usually 468 trillion to one takes some of the suspense out of them. I suppose if you’re really gullible and call up those psychic hotlines that claim to give out winning lottery numbers there’s some suspense, but believe me, the shock of losing will be nothing compared to your phone bill. Please, if you’re one of the people who calls those numbers, ask yourself this: If those psychics have winning lottery numbers, why are they giving them away to pathetic lowlifes who are willing to pay $5.99 a minute just to have someone to talk to? I understand there are some people who actually become addicted to these phone lines. People with this addiction will sometimes spend 24 hours or more on the phone. Do you have any idea how much 24 hours at $5.99 a minute will cost you? These people don’t–otherwise they’d spending it on something useful, like therapy. Or they’d get one of those exclusive health club memberships so they could have a team of experts give them reasons to loathe themselves they never dreamed of.
So anyway, I’ve noticed that all these contests say, "No purchase necessary". Of course you have to buy the product to get the details, unless the grocery’s security camera is turned the other way. Apparently you can write to the company and get a free game piece or whatever. I don’t know what sort of legalese forces companies to do this, but I imagine there are a couple of guys in the mailroom who sit around laughing as they stuff each return envelope with a "Sorry, try again!" piece. The thought cheers me up slightly. I like thinking that, even though there are a lot of sad, gullible people in the world, there are a few who are such pathetic losers they think of themselves as superior
Enjoy this week’s offerings.
Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.
Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.
A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.
The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.
While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.
Top 10 Reasons To Go To Work Naked
Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
Inventive way to finally meet that person in Human Resources.
"I’d love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
You want to see if it’s like the dream.
So that you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.
People stop stealing your pens after they’ve seen where you keep them.
Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
No one steals your chair.