June 29, 2001
It recently came to my attention that some people are describing themselves as "addicted" to Freethinkers Anonymous. This immediately raised the question: what are the symptoms of Freethinkers Anonymous addiction? Do these people need to go into some sort of clinic? I have no idea, and I’m afraid to find out.
Freethinkers Anonymous is not sponsored, paid for, or brought to you by anyone, and after reading some books about quantum physics I’m not even sure that I’m here or that you are either–which would make the addiction problem a lot easier to solve. In fact, reading about quantum physics solves a lot of problems. This is the only subject that you can come out of knowing less than you did when you went in. It’s a lot like prime time television, although people will have some respect for you if you tell them you spent the evening reading about quantum physics, whereas if you tell them you watched four back-to-back episodes of "Two Morons And A Dog", they’ll simply think you’re pathetic. Anyway, I can’t even tell you what Freethinkers Anonymous IS.
About all I can do is tell you what it isn’t, so: Freethinkers Anonymous is not low-fat, high in vitamin C, or guaranteed in any way. Freethinkers Anonymous does not need to be changed every 3000 miles. Freethinkers [buy] Anonymous [me a] does not [custard- filled] contain subliminal [doughnut] messages. Freethinkers Anonymous has not been linked to cancer, heart disease, ebola, streptococcal meningitis, mad cow disease, happy cow disease, divorce, spontaneous decapitation, herpes, rabies, scabies, mutant African honeybees, projectile vomiting, high cholesterol, or earwigs. Freethinkers Anonymous may be linked to people going to their grocery store and saying "Why should I buy pre-mixed peanut butter and jelly when I can buy a jar of peanut butter and a jar of jelly and mix them myself?" but no one’s sure. And until someone gives me enough money to research the matter (ideally the study would be conducted on a Caribbean cruise) no one’s going to find out.
Freethinkers Anonymous is in no way connected to the belief that all world governments are merely puppets for a sinister shadow organization with ties to everything from alien technology (which gave us foam rubber, velcro, and a mass of popular television shows) to opposition to the metric system, or that this organization is based on a pear-shaped island in the Southern Indian Ocean.
Finally, when it comes to the matter of responsibility for addiction to Freethinkers Anonymous, the only thing I can say is, Enjoy this week’s offerings.
The Lost Dr. Seuss Book: I Love My Job
I love my job, I love the pay.
I love it more and more each day.
I love my boss; he is the best.
I love his boss and all the rest.
I love my office and its location.
I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and gray,
and the paper that piles up every day.
I love my chair in my padded cell.
There’s nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers.
I love their leers and jeers and sneers.
I love my computer and its software;
I hug it often though it don’t care.
I love each program and every file,
I try to understand once in a while.
I’m happy to be here, I am, I am;
I’m the happiest slave of my Uncle Sam.
I love this work; I love these chores.
I love the meetings with deadly bores.
I love my job? I’ll say it again.
I even love these friendly men,
these men who’ve come to visit today
In lovely white coats to take me away.