And The Award Goes To…

August 31, 2001

Do you ever have one of those evenings when you’d like nothing better than to watch an awards show with lots of glittering stars handing statuettes to other glittering stars in between pithy film clips and enormous dance numbers that give away the entire plots of movies you were going to watch when they came out on video or plays you’ll never see because they’ll never come out on video, or that are nothing more than staged versions of music videos? And have you ever, on one of those evenings, discovered that there are award shows on the other six nights of the week but not tonight? Well, you’ll never have that problem ever again. I’ve decided to create The Award Show Channel. Nothing but award shows twenty-four hours a day. Of course the idea is still in its infancy so we’ll have to fill up between eighteen and twenty hours a day with infomercials, but in those four to six hours, you’ll get all the joy and glory of award shows.

I even have plans for original programming, beginning with the Award Show Awards. Categories will include most stars, most inane dance number, most people thanked during an acceptance speech, and most incoherent acceptance speech. I haven’t yet decided what the Award Show Award will be called, but it will probably look something like Shiva holding an Oscar, a Tony, a Grammy, an Ace, a Genie, a Juno, a Nobel, and ten or twelve other awards. And there will be other original programming, such as a game show called "Who Wants To Be A Presenter?" That could be followed by "Behind The Scenes", a wacky sitcom about an awards show director, his ex-girlfriend assistant, the annoying yet somehow likeable producer, and the tall, gangly gaffer who’s always popping in at the wrong moment. Eventually I hope to create award shows for awards that don’t have shows of their own yet. For instance, wouldn’t the presentation of, say, the Pulitzer prize for journalism be a lot more interesting if it were accompanied by a re-enactment of East Timor rebels being shot by the Indonesian military? If nothing else it would make an amazing dance number.

Enjoy this week’s offerings.


"Sometimes"

Sometimes you will cry and no one will see your tears…
Sometimes you will laugh and no one will see you smile…

Sometimes you will fear and no one will see you shudder…
Sometimes you will lie and no one will catch you…

Sometimes you will fall and no one sees you struggle…
Sometimes you will be late and no one seems to notice…

But fart just one time…


A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar and the bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister went out on a fishing trip one day. They were in the middle of the lake in their boat when the minister exclaimed, "I forgot the potato chips!" He got up, walked across the lake, picked up the potato chips, and walked back. The priest was astounded.

Soon after the rabbi exclaimed, "I forgot the bean dip!" He got up, walked across the lake, picked up the bean dip, and walked back. Once again the priest was astounded. He thought to himself, well, if the minister and the rabbi can do it, then I sure can! So he exclaimed, "I forgot the fried chicken!" He took one step outside the boat and fell in the water.

The minister said, "Ya think we should’ve told him about the rocks?"

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