I’ll Wait For The Book

November 9, 2001

One of my favorite philosophical ideas is one put forward by W.F. Hegel, who believed that history repeats itself, first as drama then as farce. This is one of my favorite ideas because I see it in action so frequently. In fact, in some places, such as Hollywood, it’s hard to tell which is the drama and which is the farce. Just about every movie made is guaranteed a double life, either as a sequel, a sequel to a sequel, or a parody of a sequel of a satire on a spoof of a film inspired by a remake. With a moderately successful serious film about Jack the Ripper already playing, work is underway on a comedy version of the same story because, hey, there’s nothing funnier than the brutal murders of five prostitutes in Victorian London. The film is entitled, "Hey Jacko!" and features a wisecracking hansom cab driver who discovers a prostitute who has not only been murdered, but had her dress ripped off, revealing extremely skimpy underwear. As the film progresses more prostitutes get their dresses ripped off, so that parts of the film may be mistaken for a lingerie fashion show. Meanwhile the police department receives a mysterious letter which baffles them as they try to decide whether one word is "kidneys" or "kittens". At first they believe the letter is written in blood, but they later realize it’s barbecue sauce. This leads them to a fellow detective who’s been disgraced because of his addiction to the exotic American food "ribs". (Look for a restaurant tie-in.) The detective, one day away from retirement, agrees to join up with his Sri Lankan partner for just one last case. In a bizarre plot twist, the prostitutes’ underwear turns out to have been designed by the Queen, but she’s been trying to keep it a secret. In an even more bizarre plot twist Jack the Ripper himself turns out to an iguanodon dinosaur brought back from extinction by a scientist experimenting with DNA, and sent back in time by a massive computer that creates sweeping shots of people doing impossibly high flying kicks. A subplot involving Sherlock Holmes was dropped because the film’s target audience of 12-18 year olds have no idea who Sherlock Holmes is.

Meanwhile the detective begins to unravel the mystery when he discovers that "Jack the Ripper" can be rewritten as "carpet hip jerk". The film’s ending was also rewritten. Originally the iguanodon was lured into Loch Ness, but this was deemed too obscure, so instead the detective traps it by impersonating a hyperactive Australian wildlife biologist, then feeds it massive amounts of ribs, causing arteriosclerosis.

The DVD version will come with 108 hours of additional footage, including a documentary about the making of the film, a documentary about the making of the documentary, and a spoof of the documentary. It also includes four additional hours of prostitutes running in their underwear with an optional commentary by one of the cameramen, who keeps repeating, "Oh yeah, this is why I got into this job." Finally, it will also have seven alternate endings, including one in which Prince Albert is stuffed in a can while the dinosaur is eaten by Cockneys. Thanks to a big promotional campaign the film is expected to be incredibly successful until people actually see it.

Enjoy this week’s offerings.

28 ways to make a meeting more interesting

  1. Discreetly clasp hold of someone’s hand and whisper: "can you feel it?" from the corner of your mouth.

  2. Draw enormous genitalia on your notepad and discreetly show it to the person next to you for their approval.

  3. When refreshments are presented, immediately distribute one biscuit to each of the attendees, then systematically smash each one with your fist in front of them.

  4. Chew tobacco.

  5. Wear a hands free phone headset throughout, once in a while drift off into an unrelated conversation, such as: "I don’t care if there are no dwarfs, just get the show done!"

  6. Write the words ‘he fancies you’ on your pad and show it to the person next to you while indicating with your pen.

  7. Respond to a serious question with: "I don’t know what to say, obviously I’m flattered, but it’s all happened so fast".

  8. Use ‘Nam style jargon such as "what’s the ETA?", "who’s on recon?" and "Charlie don’t surf".

  9. Reconstruct the meeting in front of you using action figures and when anyone moves re-arrange the figures accordingly.

  10. Shave one of your forearms.

  11. Draw a chalk circle around one of the chairs, then avoid sitting on it when the meeting starts. When someone does eventually sit in it, cover your mouth and gasp.

  12. Turn your back on the meeting and sit facing the window with your legs stretched out. Announce that you "love this dirty town".

  13. Walk directly up to a colleague and stand nose to nose with him for one minute.

  14. Mount the desk and walk along its length before taking your seat.

  15. Reflect sunlight into everyone’s eyes off your watch face.

  16. Gargle with water.

  17. Repeat every idea they express in a baby voice while moving your hand like a chattering mouth.

  18. Gradually push yourself closer and closer to the door on your chair.

  19. Hum throughout the meeting.

  20. Pull out a large roll of bank notes and count them demonstratively.

  21. Bend momentarily under the table then emerge wearing contact lenses that white out your eyes.

  22. Drop meaningless and confusing management speak into conversations such as: "What’s the margin, Marvin?" "When’s this turkey going to get basted?" "If we don’t get this brook babbling we’re all going to end up looking like doe-eyed labradors".

  23. Produce a hamster from your pocket and suggest throwing it to one another as a means of idea-exchange.

  24. Use a large hunting knife to point at your visual aids.

  25. Announce that you’ve run off some copies of the meeting agenda. Then hand out pieces of paper that read: My secret agenda:

    1 Trample the weak 
    2 Triumph alone 
    3 Invade Poland 

    Re-collect them sheepishly and ask everyone to pretend they haven’t seen them.

  26. Attempt to hypnotise the entire room using a pocket watch.

  27. When referring to someone in the room always call them your "homey", "dog", or "G".

  28. Leave long pauses in your speech at random moments. When someone is prompted to interject shout: "I AM NOT FINISHED".

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