November 30, 2001
It’s shopping season again. With Thanksgiving behind us, it’s time to go out and find those special gifts for those special someones in our lives. Since most of us have made bad gift decisions at some point in our lives, I’d like to offer up this year’s special list of products you might not want to consider for those people on your list. [Note: I loathe advertising. However, if you really, really, really want to know, I can provide information regarding any of the products I describe. Whether you think someone you know might want one of them, or whether you just want to make sure I’m not making this stuff up, I’ll tell you where I found it, and how you can order it. And since it’s the holiday season, I’ll do it for free.]
Bucket hat with an LCD message display. This might be vaguely cool if the message display screen were big and red and could display fireworks or something like that, but instead it’s a tiny little gray screen–which stands out remarkably badly on an off-white hat. The appealing bucket shape of the hat, popular among people under twenty and over ninety, will not only garner you a lot of attention, but the pseudo-high tech design will earn you the nickname "Cyber-Gilligan".
Giant Cereal Bowls (set of 4): Okay, this has kind of a hip, retro look. Displaying these cereal bowls with their colorful cereal box characters sends a message that you’re…well, a big child. You might get them for yourself to put candy in, if you’re a receptionist in a pediatrician’s office. On second thoughts, that’s just asking for a lawsuit. With their 29-ounce capacity, which is nearly two pounds, think about the message you’re sending if you give these to someone: "I want you to have 300% of your daily requirement of niacin…every day!"
Nose-hair trimmer: There are several makes and models available, but my favorite one of all comes with a little light for illuminating those "hard to reach" areas. It also sells for $59.95. Wait a minute. That’s almost sixty bucks–twelve five-dollar bills, or five twelve-dollar bills. For that amount of money, it shouldn’t just trim nose hair, it should make sure it never grows back. Heck, it should be able to braid your nose hair for that much. But the big question on my mind is: why would you put a nose-hair trimmer, of any price, in a holiday gifts catalog? While honesty between friends and family is to be valued, giving someone a nose-hair trimmer as a gift is a little TOO honest. I guess what I’m saying is, You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but don’t pick a nose-hair trimmer as a gift.
Alternate wet-dry model, without light but listed under "Kitchenware" (which I don’t even want to think
Combination AM/FM radio, lantern, flashlight, and television set: Hate having to carry a separate radio and television set when you go out camping to "get away from it all"? Or maybe you’re just looking for fun ways to blind your friends on camping trips Well, with this baby’s 5 and 1/2 inch television screen with a high-power flashlight mounted right on top, all you have to do is convince your camping buddy to take a hiking break and watch the big game, then, when his favorite team is about to score, switch on the flashlight and prepare for hilarity and seared retinas.
And finally, from our "gross indulgence" department:
ELVIS PRESLEY’S HAIR. Framed with a picture of The King before he became bloated on fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches, you can have a bit of Elvis’s hair from a haircut he had in 1970. This remarkable relic is a must for anyone who worships Elvis–despite the fact that most people who worship Elvis would have to sell their trailer home to afford it. But let’s not look a gift follicle in the mouth. After all, thanks to new technological advances, a strand of hair is all we need to clone The King.
Enjoy this week’s offerings.
1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
1 gallon whiskey
Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality.
Pour one level cup whiskey and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup.
Turn off mixer.
Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven.
Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don’t forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out of the window.
Check the whiskey again.
Go to bed.
Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?