Please Pass The Platypus

November 2, 2001

When most people think of November they think of Thanskgiving. Well, at least people in the United States think of Thanksgiving. People in Canada think of Thanksgiving in early October. This is probably because it gets cold much earlier in Canada, so when the early settlers got together and decided to have an annual harvest feast, they decided they’d better have it before the weather turned bad. That way they could have it outside, and when food supplies got low in January or February, the glorious feast would be a distant memory. In Australia Thanksgiving takes place in May, only there it’s called Mumbo-Flumbo, and instead of turkey they have roast platypus. The celebration also used to include shooting a few aborigines, but this was discontinued in 1978.

Most other places don’t celebrate Thanksgiving, but for them there are plenty of November events to celebrate. According to my research, November is Good Nutrition Month, Peanut Butter Lover’s Month, National Pepper Month, National Stamp Collecting Month, International Drum Month, and Slaughter Month. In addition, the first week of November is National Fig Week, the second week is National Split Pea Soup Week, and the third week is National Geography Awareness Week, when we learn that Mumbo-Flumbo is something I just made up. The fourth week of November is National Cookie Week, National Game and Puzzle Week, and National Make Up Your Own Week Week. And finally, among all the other significant November dates, there’s November 20th, which is known as Absurdity Day. This is completely unsubstantiated and confirmed only by the sort of vague research that most university students do in preparation for their midterm papers–which are often due in early November. I wonder how many of them will mention Absurdity Day, National Pepper Month, or Mumbo Flumbo. Considering the way these things get around, I may have just created a new holiday.

Enjoy this week’s offerings.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that’s more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(I’m still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home…maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.
("Honey, I’m home… What the….?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes…can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life…quality over quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
(If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference? And does this take into account that most older people were "switched’ at birth– meaning that right-handers only seem to live longer?)

Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing….)

A cat’s urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(Who knew?!)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

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