January 4, 2002
Despite all the lights, firecrackers, heavy drinking, public nudity, funny hats, wild and crazy food, the evening of December 31st, 2001, and the early morning of January 1st, 2002, was something of a dud. This isn’t the fault of the party-makers, or any lingering uncertainties or fears. It’s really the fault of numerology. Any way you look at it, 2002 is, well, a little flat. It’s like turning 31. Sure, you acknowledge it, but it’s not a landmark.
2002 just doesn’t have the same ring to it as 2000 and 2001 did. And let’s look back at those previous years: In 2000, thanks to developments in anti-gravity, flying cars powered by pollution-free perpetual motion devices made travel inexpensive and easy, food was replaced by little tablets, which we’re told are "organic", museum curators realized most "conceptual" art is garbage, a permanent base on Mars was established, and the first baby was born on the Moon. In 2001 cures were discovered for AIDS, cancer, male-pattern baldness, female pattern baldness, ebola, and kidney stones, the destruction of the rainforests was halted, the hole in the ozone layer sealed itself, and we made contact with intelligent cephalopods on Europa, who turned out to be pretty gosh-darned nice. (Or at least that’s how I remember those years. I’m under some pretty heavy medication at the moment.)
Anyway, how could 2002 top two years that marked the end of a millenium and its beginning? And the worst part is we’ve got eight more dud years ahead.
Enjoy this week’s offerings.
Great Thoughts By Great Women
Inside every older person is a younger person – wondering what the hell happened.
–Cora Harvey Armstrong
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
-Helen Hayes (at 73)
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
Whoever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I think I’m supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone.
A few weeks after my surgery, I went out to play catch with my golden retriever. When I bent over to pick up the ball, my prosthesis fell out. The dog snatched it, and I found myself chasing him down the road yelling "Hey, come back here with my breast!"
Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman? It’s plucking your eyebrows. That’s how I originally got pierced ears.
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
Old age ain’t no place for sissies.
A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do. A woman must do what he can’t.
The phrase "working mother" is redundant.
Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows.
Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning.
When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow!
I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb … and I’m also not blonde.
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
– Erica Jong
If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
I think—therefore I’m single.
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man — if you want anything done, ask a woman.
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
I never married, because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night.
If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.