June 21, 2002
I have scrawny arms. I know that sounds weird, but it’s something I’m extremely self-conscious about. (Now I can hear you saying, "Then why are you talking about it?" To which I can only respond, Be quiet! The doctor said these pills he gave me would make my computer stop talking to me.) I’ve been self-conscious about this ever since I was a teenager–although at that time we’re all pretty self-conscious about every part of our bodies, aren’t we? I was also self-conscious about my feet then, and my neck, but I’ve gotten over that. I can comfortably wear sandals, and I realized that having a bandana tied around my neck in the middle of summer was sending the wrong sort of signals.
But I digress. The problem with having scrawny arms is I can’t wear t-shirts. This isn’t so bad for black-tie dinners, because I’m such a casual dresser I’d probably wear one of those tuxedo t-shirts, but it can be a problem in the summer. Long sleeve shirts are naturally hotter, but I’m so ridiculously neurotic about this that I’m more comfortable sweating profusely than I would be if I wore a t-shirt, or at least a shirt with short sleeves – although around here in the summer you’re going to sweat profusely no matter what you wear. As a kid I didn’t have this problem, but then as a kid my mother picked out my clothes for me. In fact, most kids I knew in, say, first grade, had their clothes picked out for them by their mothers. Choice of clothing says a lot about someone’s personality, and remembering some of the t-shirts my friends wore, I realize they had some interesting mothers. This was in the days before t-shirts became walking advertisements. (If it hasn’t already occurred to you, by the way, you might want to consider that if you’ve bought a t-shirt advertising a particular product, you’ve essentially paid the company for the right to let them advertise on your body. So maybe avoiding t-shirts isn’t such a bad idea.)
My friend Phil, for instance, regularly wore a hilarious t-shirt with a picture of Batman and Robin in the Batmobile stuck in a traffic jam. Obviously his mother had a sense of humor. Then there was my friend Todd, who occasionally wore a t-shirt with a rotting, goggle-eyed semi-human face on it, the sort of face you’d see in a Salvador Dali painting, and the word CREEPY, which you’d be highly unlikely to see in a Salvador Dali painting. He was a nice guy, but I have to wonder what kind of home life he had. If I remember correctly, his last name was "Manson". Today, of course, he’d have been expelled for wearing a t-shirt like that, but in those days teachers had more important things on their mind – like teaching. Then there were all those t-shirts that said, "My [mother/father/uncle/entire family] went to [fill in location here] and all I got was this crummy t-shirt."
As we got older and started picking out our own clothes, of course t-shirts became a means of self-expression. For instance, the guys with long hair who were sensitive, intelligent types into graphic design and photography could be distinguished from the guys who were into skateboarding and randomly punching strangers in the face because one group wore t-shirts for bands like Bauhaus and The Cure, while the other wore t-shirts for Judas Priest and Metallica. Then there was the one girl in high school who – I swear this is true – always wore a tight black t-shirt with the statement, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me." I have no idea what to add to that, but you at least can say, I read this entire Freethinkers Anonymous rant and all I got was these crummy offerings.
[I have no idea whether this is copyrighted. It seems to have been floating around the internet for some time now, but I’d like to add that whatever wine Wal-Mart decides to sell, you can be assured that it will taste like "la feet". –CW]
Some Walmart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item: Walmart’s own brand of wine. The world’s largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto,Calif, to produce the spirits at an affordable price; in the $6- $8 range.
While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Walmart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for inexpensive wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, R.I. She said: "The right name is important."
So, with that in mind, here are the top suggested names for Walmart Wine:
14. Bo’s Jolais
13. Merlot Haggard
12. Chateau Traileur Doublewide
11. White Trashfindel
10. Big Red Gulp
9. Grape Expectations
8. Domaine Walmart "Merde du Pays"
6. Chef Boyardeaux
5. Peanut Noir
4. Chateau des Moines
3. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Vinegar!
2. World Championship Wriesling
And the number 1 name for Walmart Wine…
1. Nasti Spumante
Equal Opportunity Employer
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:
"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.
By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can’t give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."