Most Pernicious Valise Schema

September 13, 2002

There’s a new television program about how to cope with worst-case scenarios. In fact, I think it’s called Worst Case Scenario, and it’s based on a series of books called Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbooks. I hesitated to tell you the titles, partly because it’s free advertising for them, and I’m afraid they’ve somehow managed to copyright the phrase "worst case scenario", which means I should be putting (c) or (TM) or a little skull and crossbones or something after the phrase each time I use it. Otherwise I could be ordered to cease and desist saying "worst case scenario", and I’ll have to rewrite this to be about scenarios that are the worst possible case…or, as my computer thesaurus has recommended, most pernicious valise schema.

I figure it’ll only take a couple of shows before they exhaust the normal scenarios most of us are likely to experience, such as getting a parking ticket, getting our hand stuck in the toilet, or accidentally swallowing a poisonous Amazonian frog, so here are some suggestions for future worst-case scenarios and tips they could offer:

  • If you’re eating peanut butter, always combine it with other foods, such as crackers or carrots or deep fried banana sandwiches. You may have heard warnings that eating peanut butter by itself can cause choking. This isn’t true, but what kind of bonehead would eat peanut butter by itself, anyway?

  • If you’re driving down a desolate highway and a nameless sky god starts trying to blow your car off the road for fun, make sure you’re driving a 2003 Vanuatu with a double-set suspension column, T8 level engine, 2,000,000 horsepower, and plenty of trunk space. (CD player optional. Starting at $23,995. $28,912.03 as shown.) Otherwise you’re pretty much screwed.

  • Pull towel firmly with both hands. Tirer fermement vers le bas avec les deux mains. Emergency feed on the side. Turn knob. Alimentation d’urgence ser le cote. Tourner le bouton.

  • If you’re staying in a remote cabin or travelling through the Southwest, carry some coffee cups, shot glasses, or those little spoons with the name of your home town. Aliens have been visiting Earth for so long now that any who abduct you are probably just tourists looking for souvenirs, and, let’s face it, they’d rather have a shot glass than whatever they can get from a rectal probe.

  • Before you tear into that bag of cookies that says, "JUST ONE GRAM OF FAT PER SERVING!" make sure you read the fine print on the label that says, "1 cookie equals 782 servings."

  • If you’re a TV executive or author of a series of books on, for example, worst case scenarios and some guy not only makes fun of your idea but uses your catch phrase–for instance, "worst case scenario", don’t punish that guy. He’s not making any money off what he’s doing, so the least you can do is send him a thank-you note for the free advertising. Including a check wouldn’t hurt. Hey, he did give you a laugh, right? And if he didn’t, you could always enjoy this week’s offerings.


New Rules Of The Office: will be effective immediately

DRESS CODE:

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:

All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with ‘A will go from 8 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with ‘B’ will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you’re unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees’ supervisors [in writing] must approve this exchange.

LUNCH BREAK:

Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Have a nice week

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