Resolve This

January 3, 2003

This is it. This is the year I’m going to keep all my New Year’s resolutions. This is the year I’m going to lose weight, eat more leafy green vegetables, get more sleep, work harder, spend more time with family and friends, and set aside some quiet "me" time. This is the year I’m going to buy some expensive hair products and get a whole new wardrobe. I’ll do all this so I can make this the year I’m going to stop being so superficial and stop spending so much time worrying about my hair, clothes, weight, health, whether I’m getting enough sleep, whether I’m doing well at my job, giving enough to family, friends, and myself. This is the year I’ll finally buy one of those vacuum cleaners that is so powerful it can pick up a bowling ball, because I’ve got bowling balls all over my living room and I can’t think of any better way to get them up. This is the year I’ll stop making obscure references that sound like they’re something I made up. This is the year I’ll finally learn the Yorta Yorta Bangerang aboriginal language of Southeast Australia. This is the year I’ll stop digressing. Have you ever noticed how we have digress, egress, regress, progress, and congress but no one knows what a "gress" is? We can invest, harvest, circumvest, advest, disinvest, reinvest, transvest, and unvest and everyone still knows what a vest is. But I divest.

Forget all that. This is the year that I resolve to make absolutely no resolutions so I won’t have to worry about breaking any of them. And if any of you are thinking about or have already made resolutions which you’ll only break and feel guilty about, take this further bit of advice:

Cut back on salt, don’t eat anything sweet,
Avoid beef, chicken, and the other white meat,
Eat fish twice a week, stay away from clams,
Have broccoli at holidays but pass on the yams.
Whiskey, vodka, and gin are taboo; so is any beer;
That biweekly cup of red wine keeps your arteries clear.
Subject yourself frequently to a doctor’s cold hands,
Buy only the most expensive vitamin brands,
Get plenty of exercise but only do it inside,
Use a low-impact machine with an adjustable glide.
Get an ionizing air filter, drink your water distilled,
Keep your lactose-free calcium supplement sufficiently chilled.
Do all this and you’ll live another two years, maybe more,
Just don’t ever ask what it is you’re living for.

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