March 28, 2003
Woof.
The first one was quiet, barely audible. It was just meant to get my attention. If Friskie had worked in hotel management she would have found a way to gently wake travellers each morning so the shrill ring of their morning wake-up call wouldn’t give them a heart attack.
WOOF!
The second one meant business. The second one meant, "I’m stuck outside, and you’re going to let me in or you’re not going to get any sleep."I was nineteen and home from college for the summer. You’re probably thinking, Nineteen, home from college? What are you doing sleeping? Well it was eight o’clock in the morning, a time when all self-respecting college students are in bed, even if they’ve only been there for ten minutes. I was, thanks to the temp agency, working the graveyard shift at a print shop.
WOOF!
"Shuddup, Friskie!" I liked working the graveyard shift. By the time most of my friends were going to bed (atypical college students that they were) I was getting ready to go to work. And there was something nice about knowing it would be time to go soon when the sun started coming up. Plus the printers broke down about every twenty minutes, and my job was just to stack the magazines as they came out of the printer. I read the complete works of Oscar Wilde on company time.
WOOF WOOF!
Double woof. That meant business. Friskie was a good dog. My parents sometimes refer to her as "Saint Friskie", and although there’s a touch of sarcasm there’s also some truth in it. The Egyptians were smart enough to deify dogs and cats, so why can’t a modern dog be considered at least beatific?
WOOF!
At this point I had the pillow over my head. As you may know, it’s impossible to sleep with a pillow over your head. It was only a matter of time before I got up to let her in, but before I get to that let me tell you a little more about Friskie. She didn’t save anybody from a burning building, never swam down rapids to rescue a small child, never ran and got help for someone who fell down a well. I think she would have been a heroic dog if she’d had the chance, but she never did. She was just a good dog. If you’ve ever had a good dog, you know that’s enough. Plus there were no wells in our neighborhood.
WOOF!
I’m getting there. The summer when I was nineteen Friskie and I worked out a system: I would come home, let her out, and go to bed. She would stay out just long enough for me to fall asleep then ask to be let in. And we’d go through this little drama of me pretending to continue sleeping while she got increasingly insistent. Somehow Friskie knew I was asleep. When I was awake she would tap the door with her claws and that was enough–except one on occasion. One night I had the windows open and heard the most bizarre sound. It was a low, mournful wail. The only other time I heard anything close to it was during a visit to the zoo. A siren went by and the North American Timber Wolf started howling back at it. Trying to find out whether wolves had invaded my neighborhood I opened the door and there was Friskie. She gave me a look that said, "I’m practicing for the role of Catherine in an all-canine production of ‘Wuthering Heights’, thank you," and trotted into the house.
WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF!!!!!
This was my cue to get up and pretend to be angry and let Friskie in the house and, although she wanted to be petted and assured that she was forgiven for dragging me out of bed at the unholy hour of eight-a.m., I ignored her and went back to bed. Within a year I regretted that. A year later there was no Friskie to come home to. Friskie taught me a lot of important things. She taught me to speak Dog. She taught me that the water in rain puddles, while it may not taste good, is drinkable in emergencies. She also taught me to appreciate and enjoy every moment I have with those I care about. Unfortunately I didn’t learn this last lesson until she was gone; her absence taught me things equally profound as what she’d taught me in life.
Woof.
GEORGE CARLIN STRIKES AGAIN (supposedly)
Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards. NAIVE
OK . . . so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs",what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea . . . does that mean that one enjoys it?
There are three religious truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
Imponderables:
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What’s a whack?
4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?
8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren’t they just stale bread?
10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
14. Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English > >language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
19. What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older;then it dawned on me. They’re cramming for their final exam.
21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
23. If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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