October 31, 2003
The obesity epidemic has gotten so bloated that people are falling all over themselves (and having trouble getting back up again) to try low-carbohydrate and no-carbohydrate diets that not only cause rapid weight loss but have the added advantage of causing ketosis, which can lead to diabetes and even death. Most people don’t realize it, but death is actually a great diet plan. Shortly after death you’re guaranteed to start losing huge amounts of weight. The obesity epidemic has reached such gross proportions that David Blaine could be called a magician for subsisting in public view for 44 days on nothing but water. When a man publicly stops eating he’s a magician; when a woman does the same thing she’s a supermodel.
But I digress. Fortunately for all of us there’s a cure for the obesity epidemic in sight. That cure is called genetically modified foods. Now, some people have been down on genetically modified foods. They point to the fact that the supposedly higher-yielding plants in most cases don’t produce significantly more than more traditional (traditional means "do not have parts of leeches, octopuses, or Uncle Rupert in their genes") plants. And some wacky naysayers point out that because the plant seeds are copyrighted and include a "death gene" which makes them sterile farmers have to buy new seeds each year. And some even go so far as to bring up the fact that so-called "Frankenstein foods" (which is an unfair slur on the Frankenstein family, which includes such notable names as Victor, Henry, Frederick, and of course Wally Frankenstein, who designed the first lotion dispenser made entirely from corpses) haven’t been put through medical tests, meaning there’s no way to know the effects on humans.
Of course this is all nitpicking. If corn with bits of blowfish spliced into its makeup causes headaches, skin allergies, sterility, lesions, or sudden heart stoppages, its makers will be the first to tell us, right? But let’s say, just for the sake of argument, that those negative nellies are right. If that’s the case then genetically modified foods provide the best excuse to just stop eating, and, let’s face it, most of us don’t need a fancy diet to keep from turning into walking moon pies. We need a reason to stop sitting on the couch eating chocolate chip cookies dipped in shortening, and the warnings that maybe possibly could come with genetically modified foods are enough of an excuse, right? And even if you keep on eating potatoes that have bits of jellyfish and hornworms in them and they turn out to be lethal, well, from a dieting perspective it’s a win-win situation.
Enjoy this week’s offerings.
Ten Signs You Are Too Old For Halloween
You get winded from knocking on the door.
You have to have someone chew the candy for you.
You ask for high fiber candy only.
When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you’re not wearing a mask.
When the door opens you yell, "Trick or…and you can’t remember the rest.
By the end of the night you have a bag full of restraining orders.
You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge your hair piece.
You’re the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
It was Halloween and three vampires went into a bar.
"What will you have?" asked the bartender.
"I’ll have a glass of blood," replied the first.
"I’ll have a glass of blood too please," said the second.
"I’ll have a glass of plasma," said the third.
"OK, let me get this straight, " said the bartender,
"That’ll be two bloods and a blood light?"