Cream of the Crop

February 27, 2004

Some people have taken umbrage with my attack on oatmeal, and they’ve even tried to give the umbrage back to me. I don’t want it. I don’t want the oatmeal either. It’s not that I have anything against a lumpy paste-like substance that resembles paper mache in color, texture, and taste. I’m told it’s extremely healthy, but I wonder how healthy oatmeal can really be once you’ve smothered it in sugar, milk, butter, and ketchup. As a kid I always pushed oatmeal aside in favor of that other hot breakfast food, cream of wheat. Actually it’s more like "cream of what". As much as I liked it I knew cream of wheat was a mystery substance whose origins, like those of hot dogs or pot pies, I just didn’t want to know. One of the other mysteries of cream of wheat is its ubiquitousness.

Every house I’ve ever been in has had at least one box of cream of wheat in the pantry, cupboard, or attic, although after a certain amount of time it inevitably turns into cream of weevils. And it’s always the same brand of cream of wheat. It always comes in a bright red box, and there’s a smiling black man with a chef’s hat. I know that brand characters, ranging from the avuncular gentleman on Uncle Ben’s products, a guy you know you’d like if you met him, to the old lady who said, "Where’s the beef?" often have names, but I’ve never learned the name of the cream of wheat chef. I’ve heard that some people consider him an offensive stereotype, and I’m sorry to say that as a young, impressionable child I jumped to conclusions about his character simply based on his appearance. With that big puffy hat I just felt certain he must be a brilliant chef. And even though as an adult I try to be more conscious of stereotypes I still believe he must be some amazing genius. Heck, the guy figured out how to get cream out of wheat.

Enjoy this week’s offerings.


This is so cool:

Think of a letter between A and X.
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Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.
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Keep going . . Don’t stop . . ..
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Think of an animal that begins with that letter.
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Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.
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Think of either a man’s/woman’s name that begins with the last letter in the animals name
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Almost there……..
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Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down.
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Take the hand you counted with and hold it out in front of you at face level.
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Look at you palm very closely and notice the lines in your hand.
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Do the lines take the form of the first letter in the persons name?
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. Of course not…….
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Now smack yourself in the head, get a life, and quit playing stupid e-mail games!

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