November 5, 2004
Someone suggested to me recently that I should try an ocean cruise. It seemed like a good idea until I started looking into what cruises are really about. I like to travel. I like to see and learn about strange and unusual places, like Easter Island, Yap, and Scranton. There really is a place called Yap. It’s a small island in Micronesia. I have no idea what’s there, but I’ve been to Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, so I figure I should visit Yap to balance things out.
But I digress. The problem with cruises is they may take you to strange and unusual places but the only parts of them you get to see are the parts with gift shops that, no matter where they are, accept U.S. dollars and the people in them all speak English. Also they all wear flowered shirts and panama hats, and the stuff they sell is all made in Taiwan. Not that I have anything against Taiwan – I wouldn’t mind visiting there because I know there’s a lot more to it than factories that make snow globes with tiny replicas of Yap inside. I don’t know if you’ve managed to find Yap on a map yet – you may mistake it for something a fly left behind – but there isn’t a lot of snow there. But I digress. I think I learned everything I ever needed to know about cruises from watching one of those small claims court shows on television. A man who was two hours away from being fossilized was suing a cruise line for fifty-seven dollars because he was promised that he could eat dinner at 4:30, but by the time he made it to the dining room there were so many people already there he had to wait for the 5:00 seating. That gave me two good reasons never to take a cruise, and they are: (1) there are people who will spend over a thousand dollars on a cruise but sue for fifty-seven dollars because they have to wait half an hour past their regular meal time, and (2) there are at least enough of them to fill the dining room on an ocean liner. Cruises aren’t for people who like to travel. Cruises are designed specifically for people who want to spend five to seven days in a mall with a buffet. Cruises just might be the best way to go to a strange and exotic place and never see it. And I learned all this without ever even taking a cruise. I learned it all from watching television and reading books. Do they have televisions in Yap? Do they even have books? I have no idea, but I’d like to go there and find out. I just hope I don’t have to take a cruise to get there.
Enjoy this week’s offerings.
Flight Attendant Snappy Answer:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said,
"Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR:
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. "Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand."
Blonde Snappy Answer:
A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "Helloooooooo" answered the blonde. "They’re watch dogs!"