April 15, 2005
Dear Advice Columnist,
First of all I’m a huge fan. I thought your advice to Asphyxiating in Akron to just learn to live with her boyfriend’s flatulence was right on the mark. The same goes for Miserable From Montana. You’re absolutely right that he should dump his girlfriend of three years because she’s selfishly pursuing her dream of graduate school and asking him to move 3,000 miles to a new city just to be with her. It’s not like any woman would ever do that for a guy. But I digress. The reason I’m writing is because I have a problem. I write this weekly column, and I’m about to take about a month off. I want to come up with something funny and different as a way of saying, "See you when I get back!" but I can’t think of what to do. Any advice?
Signed–Blocked And Burned Out
Dear Doesn’t Have A Real Life,
It’s nice to know my lack of looks hasn’t prevented me from having creepy stalkers. As for your problem, I shouldn’t have to spell it out but if I didn’t I wouldn’t have a job. If you’re looking for something to write maybe you should try being an advice columnist. If you’re condescending, sarcastic, and have a face for radio and a voice for newsprint it’s the perfect job. You also get that warm and fuzzy feeling from knowing you’re making as much difference as most therapists without having to get a degree, reading books, actually caring about people, or any of that crap. And if that doesn’t float your boat you can always enjoy this week’s offerings.
Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill’s wife, Sue, wasn’t wearing any underwear under her dress!
Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill’s wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed, he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She told him that since her husband Bill worked Friday afternoons and John did not, John should be at her house around 2:00 p.m.
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill’s house at 2 p.m.sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500, they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.
John quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"
Sue answered, "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?" In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he’d stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player.