This Week’s Offerings

July 14, 2005

Have you ever picked up the phone and had someone ask, "What number did I dial?" I always like to say, "The wrong one if you have to ask that!" They never get that, which says something about the kind of people who ask that question.

No one gets discombobulated anymore. This flummoxes me. However I’ve decided to be phlegmatic about it.

The first time ‘XXX’ was ever used was to designate the Mayan temple of X’enoxtychixchixt’ylixchichtli. There was nothing pornographic about the temple; the problem is no one could pronounce the name and people were afraid to spell it for fear of confusing X’enoxtychixchixt’ylixchichtli with his rival X’enoxtychix’yaqlixchichtli. X’enoxtychixchixt’ylixchichtli was the Mayan god of unusual intestinal noises. He had the tail of a jaguar, the body of a tapir, and the head of Gene Shalit.

I’ve been thinking that the best way to solve all the world’s problems is to have everyone live in a sitcom. That way we can all each have a minimum of three other friends and spend most of our waking hours in a single large room–a living room, a bar, a cigarette factory, whatever–exchanging witty remarks. The only people out of luck will be the peripheral characters or the ones who are brought in solely to boost ratings. But at least they have a chance of getting their own spinoff at some point. All people who don’t want to be part of a sitcom will be forced into a dramatic series and have to suffer at least one major life crisis per week, followed by a three-minute montage accompanied by some overplayed song from the 70’s or 80’s.

Don’t you hate those multiple-choice quizzes that assign points to the different letters and then tell you something about your personality or how you’re going to die based on the number of points you score?

A. Yes.
B. No.
C. They discombobulate me so much I become spelenetic.
D. Wait a minute. The Mayans didn’t use the Roman alphabet!

A-17 points
B-2 points
C-Good point.
D-Redeemable for a milkshake.

Anyone scoring 100 points or more should forward this to all the friends they’ve borrowed money from. They will live to be 138 and die in a tragic accident involving a pudding cup.

If you said ‘D’ before you even got to the quiz give yourself five bonus points. If you said, "Wait a minute. The Mayans didn’t use the Roman alphabet!" give yourself ten bonus points.

Teachers always say, "Learning is fun!" but it isn’t. Applying what you know is what’s fun. Learning in science class that a lump of sodium would explode in water wasn’t fun. Breaking into the supply closet and trying to find the sodium was fun. I never did find it, which is unfortunate because I did find out why my eighth grade science teacher was flummoxed by questions like, "What chapter are we supposed to read?" I was disappointed that I couldn’t find the sodium because I was sure learning about the effects of sodium on Wild Turkey would be fun. Hey, there are exceptions to every rule.

I used to be a cynic, but then I realized it was pointless.

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