Time Out

August 4, 2005

This is true: in May there was a convention held on the MIT campus for time travelers. No one really knows if time travel is even possible, but the organizers had a reply: what people used to think was impossible has become possible, even commonplace. People used to think incandescent light bulbs, airplanes, and the Cubs ever winning the World Series again were all impossible, and yet incandescent light bulbs and airplanes are real and used on a daily basis. I’m not saying time travel is going to become possible in the next decade, or the next century. It can’t be easy. Even though Doctor Who makes it look ridiculously easy he’s an alien, and everything looks easy to them.

Honestly I’m not going to bet on when humans will develop time travel. Progress has a funny way of surprising us. For instance I figured the reality television fad had dried up, and yet the Fall lineup is hitting us with even more "reality" television – although technically that’s not really progress. It would be the opposite of progress, also known as Congress. But I digress. A friend of mine claimed he could prove that time travel was impossible solely on the basis that there aren’t hundreds, even thousands of spectators at historic events such as, say, the shooting of Abraham Lincoln. And I say, do you really think all those people were there just to see "Our American Cousin"? If people have figured out how to travel through time they’ve probably figured out how to keep their mouths shut.

Imagine that you’re a time traveler and you go around blabbing this fact to everyone. First they’re going to ask you to prove it. Now you can either say, "Hey, why else would I be walking around naked?" Because, as several movies have taught us, sending people back in time is easy. Sending clothes is hard. But let’s say you’re from a really advanced future and come back wearing stuff that was popular, say, forty years ago, which, incidentally, is how double-breasted suits came back into style. And you somehow prove that you’re from the future. Your vacation is ruined because everywhere you go people are pestering you with questions like, "Should I buy stock in eggbeaters.com"? and "Do the Cubs ever win the World Series again?" Now that I think about it people from the future probably never come to the past for a vacation. For one thing there’s too much chance of making a mistake and rewriting history, or, worse, meeting some of your relatives. Plus Harry and Madge, your average time travel tourists, would be too likely to materialize in Omaha in 2005 dressed like Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette, only with zinc oxide on their noses and folding chairs. Time travelers probably view The Past like a third world country. The Future is a much better place for tourists because the food’s better and you don’t have to get as many vaccinations.

And that’s why, with that time traveler’s convention, I ultimately decided not to go. Their idea was that only one convention was necessary because time travelers can just pop back to that specific time, but who really wants to visit The Past? Now if they’d planned to have it in, say, ten years, hey, I’ll be there, and I’ll finance the trip with my eggbeaters.com stock!

Enjoy this week’s offerings.

Personality Test

In the middle of the table is a round food tray with five kinds of fruits in it. They are:

A. Apple

B. Banana

C. Strawberry

D. Peach

E. Orange

Which fruit will you choose? PLEASE think very carefully and don’t rush into it. This is great. I was astounded!!!!

Your choice reveals a lot about you!!!

Test results: Please SCROLL DOWN

if you have chosen: