January 27, 2006
I have mild obsessive compulsive disorder. That’s no big deal since I think in some way or another most people have obsessive compulsive disorder, and that’s groovy because being obsessive compulsive is very fashionable right now. Of course having a mild case isn’t much to be proud of, but an acute case is really cool because it qualifies you for being a detective on television. Actually I think breathing qualifies you for being a detective on television. Is it just me or are three-fourths of the people on television these days detectives? The other one-fourth are doctors. The people responsible for coming up with new shows must sit around their offices throwing darts at a list of college degrees and saying, "Let’s make a show about an archaeologist…who solves crimes! Let’s make a show about an art historian…who solves crimes! Let’s make a show about a theologian…who solves crimes! Let’s make a show about a detective…who performs surgery!"
But I digress. How do I know I have obsessive compulsive disorder? I have a series of routines I go through because, if I don’t, I’ll lose my mind worrying. Every day I have to check to make sure the front door is locked even if I know the front door hasn’t been opened in three weeks. We have a freezer in our basement, and whenever I open it to get something I have to leave the basement then go back and make sure I’ve closed the freezer. I always close it, but there’s an annoying voice in the back of my head that tells me the one time I don’t go back and check I’ll leave the freezer open and everything in it will melt.
The worst part is, even after I’ve made sure I’ve closed the freezer, if my wife asked, "Did you close the freezer?" I’d immediately start wondering if I had to the point that I’d have to go back down there and check again. That’s the way my brain works: I know I’ve done something until I’m asked if I’ve done it. Maybe it’s not obsessive compulsive disorder so much as I know how forgetful I am. I don’t know where this forgetfulness comes from, although I think I got it from my parents. Every Sunday when we were in the car on the way to church my mother would turn to my father and say, "Did you unplug the coffee pot?" My parents had this coffee pot made during the Eisenhower administration. It had a little glass bulb on top, and when plugged it would go "blblbl-shhh". I don’t think this noise had anything to do with the actual coffee brewing, but was made so you’d remember to unplug it before you left the house. When it stopped going "blblbl-shhh" you would know you’d unplugged it. In fact I think modern coffee machines should come with a little speaker and play that sound so no one ever has to worry about going off and leaving their coffee maker turned on.
But I digress. When my mother asked my father would always say, "Yes" with a confidence that I really admired. I actually think now that he had no idea whether he’d unplugged the coffee pot or not. Like me he probably knew he’d unplugged the coffee pot right up until my mother asked, and then he wasn’t sure. But, unlike me, he never worried about it enough to turn around. Fortunately turning off the coffee maker is one thing I don’t worry about because my wife always does it, usually while I’m in the basement getting something out of the freezer, or while I’m making sure the front door is locked. I’ll be fine as long as she never asks me, "Did you turn off the coffee maker?"
Enjoy this week’s offerings.
Waldorf & Statler quotes (from The Muppet Show)
WALDORF: They aren’t half bad.
STATLER: Nope, they’re ALL bad!
STATLER: I wonder if there really is life on another planet.
WALDORF: Why do you care? You don’t have a life on this one.
WALDORF: Whats all the commotion about?
STATLER: Waldorf, the bunny ran away!
WALDORF: Well, you know what that makes him –
BOTH: Smarter than us!
S: That was the worst thing Ive ever heard!
W: It was terrible!
W: Well it wasn’t that bad.
S: Oh, yeah?
W: Well, there were parts of it I liked!
S: Well, I liked a lot of it.
W: Yeah, it was GOOD actually.
S: It was great!
W: It was wonderful!
S: Yeah, bravo!
Statler: Well, that was different.
Waldorf: Yep. Lousy…
Both: …but different!
Waldorf: Bravo, bravo!
Statler: Why are you yelling bravo? Did you like it that much?
Waldorf: Nope; friend of mine, Joe Bravo, he’s sitting in the front row. Bravo!
Statler: (after putting on his 3-D glasses) Hey, hey look! Look at the guy in the Goofy mask! …that’s not a mask. Oh; sorry lady!
Waldorf: Hey look, an orchestra of penguins!
Statler: Yeah, probably took the job for the halibut!
Statler: This is a very moving moment.
Waldorf: Yeah; I wish they’d move it to Pittsburgh!
Waldorf: I wish Gene Kelly would teach me to Charleston.
Statler: I wish Gene Kelly would DRIVE you to Charleston!
Statler: Wake up you old fool. You slept through the show.
Waldorf: Who’s a fool? You watched it.
Statler: I like the steel Drums!
Statler: THE PIGS’ STEEL DRUMS!!!
Waldorf: I believe it! They’ll take anything that isn’t bolted down!
Statler: Have you ever been to a Witch Doctor?
Waldorf: They’re all witch! Ever been to a poor doctor?
Statler: That George Burns is a great singer!
Waldorf: Well so am I, Statler!
Waldorf: Sure! Hey, you bwana hear me sing?
Statler: Only if you sing tenor.
Statler: Ten or eleven miles away! HA HA HA HA HA!
Waldorf: Ther’ve been wars started over less then that
Statler: You’re wrong. Nothing’s less then that.