Vowel Movements

January 13, 2006

First there was e-mail. E-mail helped create e-business, which produced e-meetings, e-conferences, e-trading, and e-networking which involved passing around e-business cards. E became the vowel of the moment, the little letter that could, but it was overworked and feeling the e-strain. Although E may be irreplaceable, if you’ve ever read Georges Perec’s "A Void" it will shock you how far you can go without using ‘E’. What could take its place?

The next vowel, obviously. If you’ve been through one year of elementary school, or if your parents are upwardly mobile types who made you learn every letter of the alphabet, how to sign your name, how to count to three million, and how to play "Fur Elise" before giving you "Baby’s First PDA" for your first birthday so you could schedule your own playdates, you know the vowels are A, E, I, O, U, and sometimes Y. No one’s really sure what that "sometimes Y" crap means. It’s a compromise that was finally reached at the Interrnational Congress of Vowels and Consonants after a fistfight broke out over the letter G, resulting in a total boycott by Eastern Europe.

But I digress. You may have noticed that A was skipped, and that’s because A came before E. A is from the days when something called "paper" was still used, and people in business would do a-job, sometimes involving the writing of a-report, hoping to get a-paycheck and not a-pink slip. So I has stepped in to be the worldly vowel, creating i-business, i-commerce, i-love New York, and Isaac Asimov’s contribution, I, Robot. There are even i-business cards which some people use as i-dentification. This has led to i-dentity theft, which can really foul up your i-tinerary.

But I digress. Eventually I is going to wear out, though, and that’ll be replaced by O. I predict O’s usefulness will be short-lived, since it’s only good for things like, o-my stock is tanking, or o-I’ve been fired. U, on the other hand, will be very hardworking. As we’ve all been told in those promotional business posters, U are very important because we can’t spell "useless" without U. U may not necessarily take the lead, but it will play an important part in business phrases like, "I’m sick of this. U do it." I worry, though, that U will be undermined by Y, since "u-do it" will naturally be followed by "y-should I?"

Enjoy this week’s offerings.

Marriage (Part I)

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding,he laid down the following rules:

"I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night . . .whether you’re here or not."

Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! . The husband yells, "When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies My Wife – Cold As Ever.’

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.’"

Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it’s time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home ‘Mother of six?’"

His wife, irritated by her husband’s lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you’re ready, Father of Four."

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