Red Eye

March 3, 2006

The last time he spoke was last night in the terminal to his wife, children, and to others who were unrelated but who he thought should still hear. He went into the long tube but never came out the other side. The first thing was to search the plane, then to search the passengers. No one remembered seeing him, but he must have been in there somewhere. The plane was disassembled and he still wasn’t found. Then the crew went to work on the passengers. Almost everything was tagged for easy retrieval as the legs, arms, heads, and torsos were put in boxes and the boxes were put on luggage carriers for easy examination. Workers put in long hours going through the boxes, but he still didn’t turn up. Everything was re-sorted and returned to the passengers, although a couple of people ended up with one leg shorter than the other. There was an odd number of left hands. A brain that was never claimed finally got moved to the lost and found, and after thirty days was thrown out. Everyone was certain that he didn’t make a wrong turn, that he didn’t end up walking out by the fence where the runway’s trail of strobe lights sputter in towards home, that he would have followed the lights and never gone anywhere, or circled around and come back. Finally they went to his wife and asked her, When was the last time? She had to think about it, then said, Last night.

Enjoy this week’s offerings.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you’re 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

I’ve sure gotten old. I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver’s license.

A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor’s office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir," replied the doctor, "you’re 97 Don’t you think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You’re damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That’s why I want it lowered!"

(I’m going out to hide some eggs.)

Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first.

My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

I’ve still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

I’m getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life! Provided we get cable or that dish thing.

The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

I’ve tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven’t made one called "Buns of Putty."

Don’t think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

Don’t let aging get you down. It’s too hard to get back up.

Remember: You don’t stop laughing because you grow old,You grow old because you stop laughing.

THE SENILITY PRAYER Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

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