December 8, 2006
Now that the year is winding down, it might be a good time to pause and consider something that everybody forgets about ten minutes after the new year has started: fruitcake. But maybe you’ve already gotten a fruitcake this year, so you can take the one you got last year from its place in the basement where it’s been propping up the water heater, re-wrap it, and give it to someone else. So instead you could think about something everybody only thinks about a couple of days before New Year’s Eve, then forgets about ten seconds after the new year has started: resolutions.
Everybody I know makes New Year’s Resolutions, and nobody I know can tell me what their resolutions were by the time we get to December. Or April. This year I’m going to write my resolutions down to make sure I can refer back to them. I will lose ten pounds. I will hold doors for complete strangers. I will be on time to all shareholders’ meetings. I will floss at least once this year. I will also floss my teeth. At least once. I will eat more leafy green vegetables. I will stop impersonating a doctor so I can get free guacamole. I will walk more. I will stop calling my friends after I’ve been up half the night licking salamanders. I will overcome my irrational fears of the dark, twist-off bottle caps, and people from Finland. I will get more fiber in my diet. I will discover a cheap, renewable source of energy. I will learn to make a torte. I will exceed the speed of light. I will discover a way to deep-fry sticks of butter. I will make a colorful pie chart of my favorite swear words and take it to a shareholders’ meeting. If I win an Academy Award I will adopt a young African houseplant. I will exercise three times a week. Tu zanahoria es muy bonita. I will stop using words without knowing what they mean. I will be more pusillanimous. Or less. I will stop sending mass e-mails with subject lines like "Loquacious Bosoms Actuary" that turn out to be cheap drug advertisements. I will recycle celery. I will stop drinking paint thinner. I will find and join a group of shareholders and never show up for meetings. I will come up with resolutions I can actually keep, because no one believes I’m going to eat more leafy green vegetables.