Cold War

February 23, 2007

The other day it was fantastically freezing cold outside. I don’t know what exactly the temperature was, either Fahrenheit or Celsius, but I knew it was negative something, and when it dips into negative numbers it doesn’t matter which system you’re using: it’s too cold to stop and look at a thermometer and say, "Heavens to Betsy, it’s negative forty degrees! I wonder whether that’s Celsius or Fahrenheit." And I saw a guy walking around in sandals. He didn’t have a coat or gloves or a hat, because you know old saying "If you want to keep your feet warm wear a hat, unless the temperature is in the negative numbers, and then if you want to keep your feet warm stay inside."

But I digress. He had long sleeves on, but it made me feel colder just looking at him. At least he was dressed a little more decently than most of the people his age I see, though. I know I’m going to sound like an old fogey, or maybe like your grandmother who always insisted that you put on a coat even when it was seventy degrees. And then it really didn’t matter whether it was Celsius or Fahrenheit. I don’t think it ever got to 70 degrees Fahrenheit where I live, but if it did my grandmother would still have insisted I put on a coat, and probably some gloves and a hat too, to keep my feet warm. Anyway, I’ve reached the age where I am now legally permitted to ask what’s with the crazy getups the kids are all wearing these days. Why don’t you trade in those jeans for a pair that fit, instead of wearing them three sizes too small? Is the split-open-can-of-easy-bake-biscuits look what you were really going for? And don’t just get jeans that fit–get some new, clean ones that haven’t been under a rock in a vacant lot for the past six months. Better yet maybe you should trade in the crazy fashions of today and put on decent clothes, like the ones we adults wore when we were your age. We wore spandex and net shirts and checkerboard shoes and skinny leather ties and lingerie on the outside of our clothes and we shaved stripes into our hair and wore lots and lots of makeup. And I’m just talking about the guys. The women wore…well, never mind what the women wore because it’s warming up, probably because of all this hot air I’m generating. Wow, is it getting warm. I feel like taking off my shoes, after I put on a hat.

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