Discombobulated

May 25, 2007

Scientists recently announced that coffee is good for you. I think this makes at least the fourth time that coffee has been declared to be good for you after it’s been declared to be bad for you. First there was the caffeine which was bad, then there were anti-oxidants that were good, then the caffeine was beating up the anti-oxidants, and now there are flavonoids or something that have stepped in between the caffeine and the anti-oxidants. Why don’t scientists ever discover that brussels sprouts or lima beans are bad for you?

What the world needs most is another show about doctors.

Colleges are trying to prevent students from selling tickets to graduation ceremonies. Some tickets are selling for hundreds of dollars on online auction sites. Why is this a problem? Colleges charge students twenty-five thousand dollars a year so they can learn to make twenty-thousand dollars a year. Why not let them pick up a little extra cash on their way out the door?

Today is national Drive-Through Window Day.

For a long time it was believed Houdini died from being punched in the stomach. Now scientists are saying that’s impossible and that he died from something else. The important thing is that if someone comes up to you and asks if they can punch you in the stomach you should say yes. For all we know Houdini died from not being punched in the stomach.

You know what word doesn’t get used often enough? Xenium. And it’s so easy to use in a sentence. For instance, "What the hell is xenium?"

Press 1 to listen to our hold music for twenty minutes. Press 2 to listen to our hold music for twenty-one minutes. Press 3 to listen to our hold music for half an hour. Press zero repeatedly to finally get through to an operator who has nothing to do because everybody who’s called today is still listening to our hold music.

The scientists who say Houdini couldn’t have died from being punched in the stomach could be the same scientists who can’t make up their minds about coffee.

When life gives you lemons make orange juice.