March 21, 2008
This morning I reached for the shampoo and realized that, on the back of the bottle, they had a big question mark and the question, "Can you tell the difference between this brand and a more expensive one?" The first thing I thought was, is this a quiz? It was way too early in the morning to even be asking myself questions, never mind being interrogated by the shampoo bottle. And what if I got the answer wrong? Would they break into my house and replace my shampoo, and maybe take my television set to cover the price difference? And how would they know? I don’t care what time of the morning it is, it’s always too early to think about someone secretly quizzing you in the shower. This is the sort of thing that makes me think I should take a shower at night. And I hate these product comparisons. I remember back when soft drink companies used to spend millions on a card table and a shoebox and someone would offer you two cups of liquid and say, "Which of these tastes more like battery acid?" And if you picked the wrong one they’d make you feel really bad and say, "No, sorry, what you drank really WAS battery acid." And it’s bad enough that just a few days ago my wife mentioned that I was losing my hair. It’s kind of hard for me to see the back my head usually, but I took her word for it.
Actually I’m not losing my hair. When I lose something, like my sunglasses, it’s because I put them down somewhere and forgot where they were. Or maybe someone even took them. That might be happening with my hair–it could be the same people who are quizzing me about the shampoo–but I think what’s really happening is that I know exactly where my hair is going. It’s going down the drain, or sometimes when I comb it big clumps of it come out. I’m trying not to get too depressed about this. If my hair wants to go live with someone else or maybe join the circus, well, I’m not going to stop it. I could try using some of those fancy hair growth drugs, although between the acne and the impotence I think letting my hair go might be the best choice. Heck, I could even try that hair replacement surgery because, honestly, I can’t imagine anything I’d enjoy more than having someone drill holes in my scalp and weave big nylon threads through it so I could go around looking like a porcupine with mange. Why should I work so hard at hanging on to my hair? Bald is beautiful, right? Think of all the positive things associated with being bald: there’s the bald eagle, and…Admittedly not even the bald eagle is really bald. He’s just got white feathers on top of his head. The only birds I know of that are really bald are buzzards and vultures, and I’m pretty sure they’re the same bird. The only difference is, really, a buzzard is bald, while a vulture is just losing his hair.