April 18, 2008
Why is it when businesses hold breakfast meetings they always start by offering coffee, fruit, and bran muffins? Isn’t it unfair to expect people to sit together in a close room paying attention to someone drone on about quarterly earnings after giving them stuff that guarantees they won’t be able to sit still for more than ten minutes?
Why do some personalized license plates seem purposely obscure? I saw one the other day that said, "MRFL SKRG", and I couldn’t help thinking that the guy in the driver’s seat got that plate just so, on his morning commute, he can have the pleasure of watching people behind him mouth out those letters and try to make sense of them. Either that or he’s from Turkmenistan and that’s really his name.
Why do rich people never win the lottery? Or do they and we just don’t hear about it? That seems a lot more likely. Somehow "Rich guy finds lucky ticket in dry cleaning; invests earnings in Guatemalan strip mine" doesn’t sound nearly as uplifting as "Homeless man wins lottery; buys solid gold recliner."
You know that incredible glue that can glue any object to any other object? Why doesn’t it stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why do airlines wait until the day of your flight to cancel it? I understand that sometimes there are emergencies, but when it comes to something like inspecting the tires it worries me that they waited until the last minute to think of that. Wouldn’t we all be a lot happier if, when we went to buy our tickets six months in advance, they just said, "Sorry, we’re going to be conducting maintenance so there won’t be any flights to Topeka on the 19th"? I think this is a conspiracy to sell eight-dollar slices of pizza.
Why does every other commercial now have the warning "Do not attempt"? I swear I’ve seen one that takes place in outer space with a guy being chased through an asteroid field by aliens, and "Do not attempt" was at the bottom of the screen. It probably also said something about, "Professional spaceship pilot on closed course". They put that in there just in case you’re planning on flying your spaceship, or your solid gold recliner, through an asteroid field.
Why is it we always hear about private investigators in movies and television shows but never actually run into any in real life? I’ve never looked at the directory in a fancy building and seen, "Dirk Sniveller, Private Investigator" listed between the accounting firm and the contractor.
Everyone says, "Don’t judge a book by its cover," but if that’s true, why do publishers spend so much on fancy book covers?
Why do recipes never come out looking the way they do in cookbooks and on cooking shows? And wouldn’t it be nice, after you’ve spent twenty minutes putting together a pan of lasagna, to just say, "Here’s one my assistant made earlier," and pull one already cooked out of the oven?
Why do I get the feeling there are good answers to all these questions but that we’d be better off drinking coffee and eating fruit and bran muffins?