Dead And Berried

May 1, 2008

So a lot of fast food places are now offering these "berry crème swirls", in flavors like strawberry and blueberry even though they don’t taste like any strawberry of blueberry I’ve ever had. And what’s that crème, anyway? It could be whipped crème or or crème cheese or Devonshire clotted crème or maybe even hair crème for all I know. And then there’s the "triple berry mix", but they won’t say what kind of berries are in them. They could be blackberries or raspberries or huckleberries or gooseberries or wineberries or cranberries or ligonberries or elderberries (I’ve been told my grandfather smelled like those) or hackberries or boysenberries or ashberries or Chuck Berry or dingleberries. I think I’ll just stick with smoothies, which are a mix of pureed fruit and yogurt and garbanzo beans and something else, although I’ve gotta watch out with those too.

Have you ever been to a smoothie bar, just looking for a nice mango, peach and broccoli blend and had the guy behind the counter–you know, the one with the soul patch and the tattoo of a cobra that goes down both arms and around his neck–try to push some Vitamin B supplement to stimulate your brain or some powdered sawgrass root to stimulate your south of the border? I’m the kind of guy who could very easily start out having a smoothie with bee pollen and guarana in the morning, just to get me up and going, and then start having a couple with taurine and gingko in the afternoon, and then three or four at night with willow bark, saffron, and oleander extract just to bring me down. The next thing I know I’ll be standing on streetcorners asking people for spare change so I can buy a smoothie. Let’s face it, the smoothie is just a way to have a milkshake while pretending you’re really having something healthy. The sad thing is milkshakes are becoming an endangered species. Nobody sells milkshakes anymore. Every place I go that used to sell milkshakes now offers "milk quakes", because the milkshake is old, it’s passé, it’s not exciting. People want thrills and excitement from their frozen dairy treats! They want their beverages quaked–or maybe quaken–not stirred! Why settle for the plain old milkshake? Demand something made with milk from cows that live on the San Andreas fault, because, if you eat enough milk quakes, sooner or later your footsteps are going to register on the Richter scale.

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