How cold is it?

January 24, 2013

Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.

As cold as a well digger’s ass in January.

As cold as a witch’s tit in a brass brassiere.

It’s so cold lawyers have got their hands in their own pockets.

It’s so cold squirrels have got frost on their nuts.

It’s so cold polar bears at the Florida zoo are saying, “For this I could have stayed home.”

It’s so cold dogs are freezing to the fire hydrants.

It’s so cold Frosty the Snowman has been asking to come inside.

It’s so cold a clock was rubbing its hands together.

It’s so cold nudists have been handing out pictures of themselves.

It’s so cold it killed plastic flowers.

It’s so cold mice are playing hockey in the bathtub.

It’s so cold we had to dig a hole to be able to read the thermometer.

It’s so cold the Statue of Liberty has been keeping the torch under her dress.

It’s so cold optometrists are giving away ice scrapers with each pair of glasses.

It’s so cold we had to kick a hole in the air just to get outside.

It’s so cold the cops are tasering themselves.

It’s so cold someone dumped hot coffee in my lap and I said “Thank you.”

It’s so cold I can’t pay my bills because my account is frozen.

It’s so cold I can only start my car in frost gear.

It’s so cold Mars is laughing at us.

It’s so cold I couldn’t pull over because the highway was giving me the cold shoulder.

It’s so cold cows are giving ice cream.