Admittedly drinking ages vary from country to country

June 28, 2013

An inventor has come up with a new way for women to dissuade creepy would-be suitors: hairy-legged pantyhose. I have about a dozen jokes about this, but they all have to take a back seat to the fact that two decades ago my wife and I were married by a judge who looked so much like John Cleese that, after he read the wedding vows I asked him, “What was the middle part?” I occasionally wonder why she’s stayed with me all these years, and she used to suggest that I only married her for her dogs, but then they became our dogs. I do, however, have a list of reasons I’ve been happily married to her for the past twenty years that is comprehensive, exhaustive, and woefully incomplete:

-Because she introduced me to sushi.

-Because she knitted me a hat that looks like a fish.

-Because sometimes she turns to me in the middle of a baseball game and says, “I think we both need another beer.”

-Because she has a recipe called “husband’s delight” that primarily consists of cheese, sour cream, ground meat, and noodles.

-Because when we’re watching a movie and I say, “Where have I seen that guy?” she always knows.

-Because with her, and the dogs, I’ve been to Kansas, Texas, Ohio, Oklahoma, Arizona, New Mexico, California, North Carolina, Florida, New Mexico, Georgia, Arkansas, and Mississippi. And eventually we’ll get to Oregon.

-Because her dogs loved me almost as much as she did.

-Because when we first met she was impressed that I could recite “Jabberwocky” from memory, and is still patient when I recite the entire “How do you know she’s a witch?” scene from Monty Python And The Holy Grail.

-Because after all these years she still occasionally says, “You’re so weird”, and still means it as a compliment.

-Because on one of our first dates we watched A Fish Called Wanda.

-Because we once brewed and then split an entire batch of excellent stout beer, then brewed and spit out an entire batch of ale that didn’t turn out so well.

-Because of that, you know, that thing. That one time. In that place.

-Because sometimes she’s willing to watch Doctor Who.

-Because I got a wonderful mother-in-law out of the deal, which was more than worth the cost of never being able to use half the Henny Youngman jokes I know.

-Because she was willing to wait.

-Because when I moved in the first thing she did was buy more bookshelves.

-Because we don’t cancel out each others’ votes.

-Because after some movie trailers she says, “You can see that one without me.”

-Because after some movie trailers she says, “We really need to see that one.”

-Because she builds fences and can repair small household appliances and I go to book clubs.

-Because in another year our marriage will legally be allowed to drink.