Leave The Gun. Take The Cannoli

June 21, 2013

Often in movies and TV shows you’ll see drug lords, mafia dons, and other high level career criminals dining in restaurants. And this is never portrayed realistically. The truth is these guys can’t just go out for a nice meal at a fancy restaurant, even if they had reservations, without a lot of additional preparation. Well, most of the time they don’t bother with reservations, because if you’re a drug lord, mafia don, or other high level career criminal the last thing you want to do is advertise to the FBI, Interpol, or any of your numerous would-be assassins exactly where you’re going to be at seven p.m. next Thursday. What these gentlemen will usually do is send a group of their assistants ahead. There’s at least one documented case of this in which the assistants locked all the restaurant doors and windows, lowered the blinds, confiscated all cell phones, and informed everyone in the restaurant that no one would be allowed to leave until the boss had finished his meal. As an added bonus they also paid for everyone’s meal. Even though all cell phones had been confiscated one restaurant patron managed to record the assistant’s instructions. A transcript of those instructions follows.


Ladies and gentlemen, The Boss will be dining here tonight, and we thank you in advance for your cooperation. All doors and windows have been locked, and we will have to ask you to hand over your cell phones. The gentlemen walking among you now is my assistant Shkodran. Please give them to him, and take one of the tickets he is offering with his hook. These will allow you to reclaim your phones later. I must also ask you to please not make any sudden moves around him. When The Boss arrives we would also like to ask that you please refrain from looking at him or, unless you are his waiter, speaking to him. Do your best to carry on as though he is not here.


While the preparations may cause you some inconvenience, which we deeply regret, please understand that we are trying to minimize the possibility that some or all of you may be injured or killed this evening. We would like to avoid that if at all possible. Should any unforeseen circumstances arise we will try our best to avoid any crossfire that could endanger anyone not affiliated with The Boss, but, please understand, if an emergency arises you will be solely responsible for your own well-being.


Regarding The Boss’s personal habits, you may have heard a vicious and entirely unfounded rumor that he has had individuals with whom he’s had disagreements cooked and served to him as food. We would like to assure you that The Boss finds the very idea barbaric in the extreme, and that he has informed me personally that he finds human flesh too salty for his refined palate. We can also assure you that even if he were to indulge in such outré cuisine he would only do so in the privacy of his own home where he is served by his personal and trusted chef. This evening he will be dining strictly from the menu.


We would also like to remind you that The Boss has exemplary table manners He does not belch or pass gas through any bodily orifice. He also does not have any noticeable body odor, other than a light scent of vanilla and cherry bark. Any suggestion or indication by you to the contrary will greatly increase the possibility that you will be injured or killed this evening. Again, we would like to avoid that if at all possible.


Finally I am happy to inform you that, in gratitude for your cooperation this evening, The Boss will be paying for all your meals. We ask, though, that you simply dine as you normally would, and not attempt to take advantage of The Boss’s generosity. Those who would like to do so are encouraged to order dessert. The Boss highly recommends the chocolate mousse.


Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, for your cooperation.

Facebook Comments