Casey’s Last Stand

August 16, 2013

“There is no joy in Mudville.”-Ernest Thayer

Well, folks, this has been a pretty exciting ball game so far. Your Mudville Sliders are down by three with two outs. Crash Davis has just stepped up to the plate. You can tell Crash has had a good year just from his stats. This season Crash has a batting average of .398, an RBI of 174, he’s had eight home runs, forty-three stolen bases, seventeen assists, his OPS is .893, a 0.01 ERA pitching left-handed, a 0.02 ERA pitching right-handed, his HDL is below 30, and his blood pressure is 112 over 65. And there’s the pitch! It’s a low roller to right field, and Crash moves to first base. Rick Vaughn moves to second, and Roy Hobbs moves to third. The bases are now loaded, folks. This could determine the game. And it looks like the Rockford Roosters coach Terence Mann has just walked out onto the field to talk to the pitcher.

While that’s going on I’ll bring you folks up to speed on my stats. Fans know my wife told me she was leaving me the night the Sliders lost the second game of their double header against the Poughkeepsie Mudhens. Well really she threw me out, and cleaned out my bank account. My credit rating is worse than Moonlight Graham’s batting average. I’m currently sleeping on a couch in the manager’s office, and I’ve been eating a lot of soft pretzels lately. You could say I’m batting 0 for 5, with two strikes, and no balls. Just a second here while I pour myself another drink. Anyway, folks, it looks like the coach is retiring Roosters pitcher Laloosh and bringing in relief pitcher Malone. Who’s coming up to bat next? Wait a minute, let me move my drink here. Oh, it’s the mighty Casey. Most people know Casey for his record number of unforced errors, including catching one of his own fly balls. But Sliders fans know Casey for his charity, and he recently received a special commendation for his volunteer work in shelters in cities wherever the Sliders play. He’s also renowned for never taking anything stronger than aspirin.

He’s currently got a batting average of .198, which, funny thing, folks, is also my BAC right now. Most of you don’t know that Casey and I came up through the minors together, before I got pulled from pitching and drafted as a relief announcer after I hit eight players in a row. And here’s the first pitch! Nice hit for Casey, but it looks like a foul ball. Left fielder Chip Hilton drifts back and catches it. That’s one out and no balls. And the Roosters catcher has gone out to talk to the pitcher. While he’s doing that I’ll just mention that we had a little boy come into the booth earlier tonight to tell us he’d lost his dad. I asked, what’s he like? And the little boy replied, “Women and beer.” Well, guys, if any of you match that description and are missing a son you can pick him up at the lost and found after the game. And it looks like the Roosters coach has come back out onto the field, so, while they’re talking, let’s have a little music and I’ll have another drink. Okay, the coach is going back to the dugout and the catcher is back in position. He’s winding up. Here’s the pitch. And it’s a swing and a miss for Casey. That was the slowest fastball I think I’ve ever seen. Folks, I can barely stand up right now, and even I could have hit that one. What was Casey thinking? That’s two strikes and no balls.

This is getting pretty exciting now. Casey’s stepped out of the batter’s box and he looks like he’s taking some deep breaths. While he’s doing that I think I’ll have another drink. Okay, Casey’s at the plate again, and there’s the windup! And it’s a ball. That’s two strikes and one ball for Casey. You know, folks, Soupy Sales had kind of a funny story about the time he took his wife to a baseball game and he kissed her on the strikes and she kissed him on the balls. Well, I better not tell that story, since there are children here tonight. And it looks like the pitcher is shaking off the catcher. This is exciting, folks. Don’t despair. Remember another famous baseball player who said it ain’t over ‘til it’s…wait, there’s the swing…and it’s over. The mighty Casey has struck out. Well, good luck, Casey. This was his last game with the Sliders, folks. For those of you who haven’t heard Casey is moving up to the show, and will be playing for the Chicago Cubs.

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