August 16, 2013
There is no joy in Mudville.-Ernest Thayer
Well, folks, this has been a pretty exciting ball game so far. Your Mudville Sliders are down by three with two outs. Crash Davis has just stepped up to the plate. You can tell Crash has had a good year just from his stats. This season Crash has a batting average of .398, an RBI of 174, hes had eight home runs, forty-three stolen bases, seventeen assists, his OPS is .893, a 0.01 ERA pitching left-handed, a 0.02 ERA pitching right-handed, his HDL is below 30, and his blood pressure is 112 over 65. And theres the pitch! Its a low roller to right field, and Crash moves to first base. Rick Vaughn moves to second, and Roy Hobbs moves to third. The bases are now loaded, folks. This could determine the game. And it looks like the Rockford Roosters coach Terence Mann has just walked out onto the field to talk to the pitcher.
While thats going on Ill bring you folks up to speed on my stats. Fans know my wife told me she was leaving me the night the Sliders lost the second game of their double header against the Poughkeepsie Mudhens. Well really she threw me out, and cleaned out my bank account. My credit rating is worse than Moonlight Grahams batting average. Im currently sleeping on a couch in the managers office, and Ive been eating a lot of soft pretzels lately. You could say Im batting 0 for 5, with two strikes, and no balls. Just a second here while I pour myself another drink. Anyway, folks, it looks like the coach is retiring Roosters pitcher Laloosh and bringing in relief pitcher Malone. Whos coming up to bat next? Wait a minute, let me move my drink here. Oh, its the mighty Casey. Most people know Casey for his record number of unforced errors, including catching one of his own fly balls. But Sliders fans know Casey for his charity, and he recently received a special commendation for his volunteer work in shelters in cities wherever the Sliders play. Hes also renowned for never taking anything stronger than aspirin.
Hes currently got a batting average of .198, which, funny thing, folks, is also my BAC right now. Most of you dont know that Casey and I came up through the minors together, before I got pulled from pitching and drafted as a relief announcer after I hit eight players in a row. And heres the first pitch! Nice hit for Casey, but it looks like a foul ball. Left fielder Chip Hilton drifts back and catches it. Thats one out and no balls. And the Roosters catcher has gone out to talk to the pitcher. While hes doing that Ill just mention that we had a little boy come into the booth earlier tonight to tell us hed lost his dad. I asked, whats he like? And the little boy replied, Women and beer. Well, guys, if any of you match that description and are missing a son you can pick him up at the lost and found after the game. And it looks like the Roosters coach has come back out onto the field, so, while theyre talking, lets have a little music and Ill have another drink. Okay, the coach is going back to the dugout and the catcher is back in position. Hes winding up. Heres the pitch. And its a swing and a miss for Casey. That was the slowest fastball I think Ive ever seen. Folks, I can barely stand up right now, and even I could have hit that one. What was Casey thinking? Thats two strikes and no balls.
This is getting pretty exciting now. Caseys stepped out of the batters box and he looks like hes taking some deep breaths. While hes doing that I think Ill have another drink. Okay, Caseys at the plate again, and theres the windup! And its a ball. Thats two strikes and one ball for Casey. You know, folks, Soupy Sales had kind of a funny story about the time he took his wife to a baseball game and he kissed her on the strikes and she kissed him on the balls. Well, I better not tell that story, since there are children here tonight. And it looks like the pitcher is shaking off the catcher. This is exciting, folks. Dont despair. Remember another famous baseball player who said it aint over til its wait, theres the swing…and its over. The mighty Casey has struck out. Well, good luck, Casey. This was his last game with the Sliders, folks. For those of you who havent heard Casey is moving up to the show, and will be playing for the Chicago Cubs.