They Have My Number

August 30, 2013

[Phone rings.]

Hello?

No, Im sorry, you have the wrong number.

No, theres no Xenia here.

…

No, this isnt 873look, you dont even have the right area code. Im not sure you even have the right state. Why are you even asking? You dialed the wrong number. How is knowing what you misdialed going to help you? Thats like the stupid cliché in sitcoms that people always repeat back what the person on the other end of the phone has just said so the audience can follow along. Who really does that?

No, I dont even know anyone named Xenia, and even if I did it wouldnt do you any good. What are the chances that you and I know the same Xenia?

Yeah, youre right, its not a very common name, but, look, you called the wrong number, and the Xenia youre trying to reach is probably in another state.

Look, I can see from my phone that youve called the past five days. Didnt you realize you had the wrong number when you heard my voice mail message?

Party line? This is a cell phone. Party lines went out with candlestick phones. Where are you calling from, the Thirties? Why dont you call Sarah and ask her to connect you to Mount Pilot?

Interesting. I didnt know it was based on Andy Griffiths home town of Mount Airy.

No, I dont have any succotash.

Im positive.

All right. Yes, Im looking. That creaking sound was the door of my pantry. No, no succotash. I dont even know what it is. Why are you even asking?

Well Im happy you have a great recipe for it. If I had some Id probably know what to do with it too.

Yes, but Im not much of an impulse buyer. I dont think Ive even seen it.

Okay, maybe I have, but I dont remember it.

No, please, I really dont want to hear about your colon. Look, Im not a doctor, so how would I know if its enflamed?

No, no, no, I really dont want to see a picture of it.

Really? You took it yourself? Thats, um, impressive. Im sort of curious to know how you did that.

Stop! That wasnt really an invitation. I mean, Im a curious kind of guy, but there are some things Im happier not knowing. Although Im pretty sure I know now that your colon is enflamed. And why.

Well, thats good. Yeah, listen, I need to let you go.

Yeah, Ive got some things Ive got to get to.

Yeah, it was nice talking to you too.

Okay, Ill talk to you tomorrow. Bye.