October 4, 2013
Look, I dont know what you peoples problem is. There arent that many of you, you know? Deal with it. Its not my fault youve chosen to live holed up in little places. And dont tell me youre running out of food. Just look at each other! See, this is where you run into trouble. You stand around arguing and you dont see weve got it all figured out. We work together. Hey, why are you driving away? I dont get why youre so obsessed with boarding up windows. Thats not exactly a friendly gesture. When you think about it were really just trying to help you. Trust me, if youd just come along with us youd find that things are a lot easier. You can drop all that fancy talk about contingency plans and escape routes and removing the head or destroying the brain. Please dont try to drive that truck out. Its just going to lead to disaster. See? I told you. And now youre all burned. How do you expect us to eat that? Well, well try.
I think I understand how weird this all must seem to you. Its hard to remember what things were like in the old days, and, really, whats the point of trying? Weve learned that the secret to happiness is to just keep on moving forward, even if it does mean being decapitated by helicopter blades. Dont look back. Trust me on this. Change is always scary. Let me tell you, I was pretty scared too, in the beginning. I was working in a top-secret military facility. Was I happy? No. I was terrified. And then there was that toxic gas leak. Or maybe it was a virus. Maybe it was a virus from space. Whatever it was I felt like all my worst fears had come true. Then something changed. I asked myself, what have I got to worry about? Then Justin who worked in accounting tripped and fell and I started eating his liver. And you know what? He eventually stopped screaming. It should be obvious that what Im trying to tell you is if you spend all your time worrying about whats behind you youre just choosing to be unhappy.
Oh, cool, a shopping mall. Weve both come here. See, were not that different. Were all here for the same reason. This place has everything any of us could possibly want. For you its food and clothes and shelter and money. What good does money do you at this point, by the way? Never mind. For us its, well, you. Quit throwing records! What the hell is wrong with you? Nobody really listens to vinyl anymore. Nobody much listens to music anymore, do they? But if youre going to throw records at least throw something good, not the Batman soundtrack. See, you dont like it either. Like I keep telling you were not that different. If you prick us do we not bleed? Well, maybe most of us dont, but were still not that different. Thats why we keep playing this silly game. You can build all the fences, all the walls, all the compounds, you can have all the rifles, machine guns, shovels, and flaming Drambuie you want. Theres a little of us in each of you. Were just looking to return the favor. Would going along with the crowd, being like the rest of us, be such a bad thing? Its understandable that youre afraid. Youre afraid youll lose something of yourself. Well, thats the price of civilization, isnt it? Its not that bad, really. Its like waking up from a nightmare and finding youre on a tranquil island. The days just roll by. So do the nights. Wed like to discuss this with you, preferably somewhere dark and secluded, without a lot of exits. How about this basement? This looks like a good place to meet and talk all this over. Just us, you, and your brains. Your tasty, tasty brains.