The Year Ahead

January 10, 2014

For the past forty-nine years our contributor Agnes Mörlein has offered her predictions for the coming year. She has amazed and astounded us with her predictions, including foretelling the election of President Ronald Reagan. Even though this prediction was made in 1997 it still astounded us, as did her prediction that his running mate would be none other than Mickey Rooney. This will be her final year, since she is retiring. We are pleased to present her final list of predictions, and hope that her retirement will be as pleasant as she’s foreseen. Enjoy Key West, Agnes!

-By the end of the year poverty and hunger will come to a complete end as new developments in 3-D printing allow everyone to make everything they could possibly need at home.

-In a surprise upset the Cincinnati Bengals will play in the Superbowl. They will be well ahead but will be defeated after halftime when they check the scoreboard and realize they’re the Cincinnati Bengals.

-Elvis’s 50th birthday will be celebrated with great fanfare.

-Nostradamus will be found alive—in Poughkeepsie!

-Brazil will sweep the skating competitions in the Winter Olympics when an out-of-control tango competition from a nearby venue stumbles into the rink.

-The price of gold will collapse, giving rise to a new world currency based on cantaloupes.

-Warren Buffett will buy a Powerball lottery ticket on a whim—and win!

-A nationwide manhunt will be spurred by threats of a presidential assassination attempt. It will be called off when the threats are found to have been made against the president of the Ernest Borgnine fan club.

-An astonishingly powerful earthquake measuring 12.2 on the Richter scale will rock the Midwest, but will spare Chicago—which will then be hit by a hurricane!

-World War III will begin with Baffin Island invading Poland.

-A real “living” vampire will be captured in Iowa, sparking a whole new wave of interest in vampires.

-The following items will become fashionable again: bellbottoms, breeches, braces, knickerbockers, cloches, tunics, tartans, tutus, galluses, kepis, and rumble seats.

-Climate change will accelerate, wiping out most of the current coastal areas and giving states like Nebraska a new coastline.

-The iPhone will be revealed to have been technology developed by aliens…who will appear on Earth demanding royalties!

-Rocking the scientific world Bigfoot will be found not only alive but serving as the mayor of Poughkeepsie.

-Earn money at home! Click here for this one weird trick that also allows you to lose weight without dieting.

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