Last Call For Alcohol

May 2, 2014

A Brief History of Drinking:


“Cut me off a hunk of beer.”

Ancient Rome:

“I’m on my lunch break from building a temple, so just give me a flagon of wine and water, with some lead sprinkled in it.”

Medieval Europe:

“I’m about to go into battle, so bring me a flagon of wine!”
“I’m about to go pillaging, so bring me a flagon of mead!”
“I’m on a lunch break from building a cathedral, so just give me a quart of ale.”

Victorian England

“A sherry, please, followed by a witty bon mot.”

Prohibition (United States only):

“Sloe gin.”
“Fast gin.”
“Bathtub gin.”
“Furniture gin.”
“Nice place you’ve got here. It would be a shame if something happened to it.”

Prohibition (everywhere else):

“I’ll have a gin.”
“I’ll have a whiskey.”
“I’m on my lunch break from rebuilding the cathedral, so I’ll just have a pint of ale.”

The Fifties:

“Rye and a cigar.”
“I quit drinking, so just bring me a beer.”

The Sixties:

“Gin and tonic.”
“Scotch and soda.”
“I’m on my lunch break from the advertising agency, so I’ll just have a couple of martinis.”

The Seventies:

“Bloody Mary.”
“Harvey Wallbanger.”
“Brandy Alexander.”
“Spiro Agnew.”
“Martini. And put one of those paper umbrellas in it.”

The Eighties:

“Blue whale.”
“White Russian.”
“Black velvet.”
“Red red wine.”
“Technicolor yawn.”

The Nineties:

“I’ll have a Fuzzy Navel.”
“I’ll have a Slippery Nipple.”
“I’ll have a Sex On The Beach.”
“I’ll have a Blowjob In The Back of An El Camino.”
“I’ll have a Sweaty Nutsack.” (Local version: espresso, Kahlua, Malibu rum, topped with whipped cream dusted with salt. Served with half a banana.)

On Spring Break:

“Jell-o shots and a navel to suck ‘em out of! Whoo!”

Summer in Florida:

“Strawberry daiquiri.”
“Pina colada.”

Summer in Wisconsin:

“Strawberry daiquiri from a premade mix.”
“Margarita from a can.”
“Reconstituted freeze-dried pina colada.”

Upscale downtown bar:

“I’ll have two fingers of single malt scotch, with a tablespoon of mineral water to open up the flavor.”

“A Cosmopolitan made with Blue Ash Limited Edition Excel Vodka, with the garnish made from a free-range, fair trade lemon.”

“A Manhattan, but only if you have Pereline bitters.”

“I’d like to see your list of high gravity local microbrews.”

“Absinthe is legal now? Bring me a trough of that!”

Chain Italian restaurant:

“What have you got in a Pinot Grigio under $10?”
“I’ll try this pumpkin cinnamon double bock pale ale originally made by a microbrewery now owned by a multi-national conglomerate.”
“Iced tea.”
“I’m on my lunch break backing up the server, so keep the coffee coming..”

In your eighties:

“What is this? Tapioca? I asked for a rye and a cigar!”

The future:

“I’m on my lunch break from the clone farm, so I’ll just have a beer, and give my Arcturan friend here a distillate of benzene chromate, with a supplemental infusion of pure ammonia. Shaken, not stirred.”

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  1. Pingback: It’s That Time Again. – Freethinkers Anonymous

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