These Are On The Refrigerator, Next To ‘What To Do If You’re Attacked By A Giant Squid’

lighthouse1Beach House Rules.    

Thank you for staying in our beach house! We hope you enjoy your stay and want you to feel welcome but have a few simple rules for your safety and convenience. We want each stay to be as pleasant as possible for all our guests.

The wifi password is cocoAnuts.

Please lock both the front and back doors and set the alarm any time you leave the house, even in the off season.

The house security code is 4560404540631415926908. You’ll need to enter this to set and turn off the alarm when you come in or go out.

Deck tables and chairs must stay on the deck.

Do not bring any sand into the house. The cleanup fee for sand is $25. This is double if it’s in the refrigerator.

Feel free to use the plates made from rare vinyl albums, but remember: they are NOT dishwasher safe!

The emperor sized bed in the master suite can safely hold 23 people or 3500 pounds.

Put your beach towels in the hamper in the closet across from the laundry room. A hazmat team will take care of these after you leave.

The rope ladders in the bathroom closet are long enough to reach from the deck to the beach in the event of an emergency.

You’ll see spectacular meteor showers if you’re here in May and June. The house is built to withstand these, but we don’t recommend lingering outside.

Do not eat the crabs you find on the beach no matter how much they beg. It’s a parasite that makes them act that way.

Only eat the jellyfish in months with an “L” in them.

You won’t need to go into the attic that can be accessed from a trapdoor in the ceiling of the children’s bedroom and reached by the folding ladder conveniently placed behind the door. If you do we recommend against opening or even touching the mermaid music box you’ll find on the left side of the vanity table at the southwest corner of the house.

The merman music box on the vanity table at the northeast corner of the house is safe to open.

Do NOT feed the seagulls. They’ll come back in greater and greater numbers. We’ve lost too many guests that way.

We have fully stocked the drawers with cutlery, but if you need anything most of what you need can be purchased at the gas station, unless you need more ammo. You can get that at Sid’s, next door to the gas station. Tell Mike at the gas station to call and let Sid know you’re coming.

Do not go to Sid’s without getting Mike to call first. We’ve lost too many guests that way.

Always take a buddy when you go swimming. We keep a spare locked in the storage shed.

Do NOT taunt the dolphins.

Do not go off and leave the dryer running.


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  1. kdcol

    That’s it, I’m telling Gerald we have to buy a beach/lake house/condo somewhere, ANYWHERE, so I can draft up a funny rules sheet! 🙂

    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      My wife and I love Dauphin Island because it’s close and convenient, but if you and Gerald buy a place I will want to go there to see the list on the refrigerator.

      Of course it’s all fun and games until you go to Sid’s without having Mike call ahead first.


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