Your Morning Toast Is A Wake Up Call.

An update is available for your ySmarToast system. Do you wish to update now? Failure to update may cause problems with your ySmarToast system. Updates provide fixes so it is highly recommended that you update your ySmarToast system as soon as updates become available. Do you wish to update now?

remindYou have selected Yes. This confirms that you have agreed to the following license agreement.

licenseThe update will load now.

loadingremindYou have selected Yes. Your system will restart now.

Congratulations. You have updated yMaillard from version to version 2.1.3beta. Please note the following changes that yMaillard has made to your ySmarToast system:

The dial light has changed from blue to red.

In previous versions the lowest setting was 1 and the highest setting was 10. The lowest setting is now 1.0. The highest setting is now 1.999999999.

Your yMaillard personalized toast settings have been reset to factory defaults. If you wish to reenter these use the backup file created when you first installed your ySmarToast system. You will need to reenter the username, password, and credit card information you entered at that time.

Because previous versions of yMaillard are not compatible with the current version all backup files have been deleted for your convenience.

With this update your ySmarToast system is now automatically synced with your yPantry, yCook, yChill, yLight, and yDoor systems.

With this update your ySmarToast system will only accept Burrum(c) brand bagels. An internal scan performed by yPantry and yChill indicates that you do not currently have any Burrum(c) brand bagels. Do you not wish to not order some now?

remindWith this update your ySmarToast system will only accept Pop Tarts(c) in the following flavors: Green apple, Mango, Quince.

This update fixes several bugs found in previous versions. Any cockroaches currently in your ySmartToast system have been disintegrated. You may find pieces of them in food you use your ySmartToast system to prepare for up to six months. Future cockroaches are no longer able to penetrate the ySmarToast system. Ants still come pre-installed. We plan to have this fixed in update

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  1. Gina W.

    Ugh, this post is a little “too” realistic if you know what I mean. I started feeling a stress knot in my stomach as I read through it. Thanks for making my day a little more stressful Christopher!


    Does the update do anything to dispose of mouse turds? Asking for a friend. Seriously, several years ago we had a mouse in our kitchen that defied capture. We had carefully put away all food but then I noticed that the little shit was eating the crumbs out of the toaster. And then pooping in said toaster. And that toaster was promptly put in the trash. It was so gross. It sets off my gag reflex even now. To anyone eating breakfast as they read this, bon appetit!

    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      Mouse turds are a free app, but for best performance you need to buy the yS-Toast 5, which has the added feature that you insert the toast from underneath. Well, they call it an added feature. The truth is the yS-Toast 5 has a lot of additional hardware so there wasn’t space for slots in the top.

      For dealing with a mouse David Mitchell has this helpful advice.

      1. Gina

        This clip succinctly sums up my mouse problem. Thanks for sharing…

        1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

          Your mouse is in the mail.

  2. Spoken Like A True Nut

    Two hours later, a new ySmarToast “hack” appears on YouTube with the promise of tricking the system into accepting off-brand bagels.

    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      That’s why we need early adopters. 😀

  3. PinkNoam

    I need to know 2 things:

    1 – Did you actually write that legal agreement. If yes, you’re a fucking legend.

    2 – Where do you buy your drugs?

    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      1-Aside from the parts that were plagiarized from Messrs Shakespeare and cummings yes, I did indeed write that legal agreement.

      2-From the cheese aisle. You’d be astounded what finds its way into your brain if you have a bite or two of Stilton before bedtime.


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