Take as needed.
Depending on when you read this I’m either about to go into surgery, having surgery, or just recovering from surgery. Or I’m completely healed and going on about my life in which case you’re reading this a few days after it’s appeared. Hello person from the future.
I have a simple request: tell me a joke. A one-liner. A pun. An amusing anecdote. A put-down. A humorous quotation. A filthy limerick. A really filthy limerick. If it makes you laugh share it in the comments section. And please share this with anyone and everyone you know. Get your kids, talk to your neighbors, call your pen pals.
The surgery I’m having is very minor–it’s an outpatient procedure–but I still want to be overwhelmed with witticisms, although if not that many people come to the party I’ll settle for whelmed.
And I’ll start with my favorite joke: a rabbi, a priest, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Is this a joke?”
I have traveled through time, from the year 1965, just to tell you these corny jokes.
Hy does Santa have such a huge sack?
Cuz he only comes once a year.
Why do women have orgasms?
Just another reason to moan, really.
All my best wishes going out to you today, Chris, plus this joke I made up and told in two Open Mic performances in the 1980s:
You know how they’ve recently invented Lite beer — which has fewer calories and a lower alcohol content than regular beer? Well, I’ve invented Fat Beer. It’s got four times the calories and alcohol as what you’re drinking. And I came up with a marketing slogan, too: “He who has a taste is sloshed.”
Here’s one I didn’t make up, Chris:
What did the Zen master say to the hot dog vendor?
“‘Make me one with everything.”
Best of luck with your procedure and I hope you heal quickly. Two riddles for you:
What’s better than roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ.
What do you get when you cross a tyrant with a potato?
A dictator.
This joke was told to me by a gay friend so it’s OK to laugh:
-What do lesbians call an open can of tuna fish on the coffee table?
-Potpourri
Hope you’re still feeling this after-affects of anesthesia when you read this so that it’s ten times funnier than it really is.
What does a U.T. grad call a Vandy grad Boss
Knock, Knock!
Who’s there?
Banana.
Knock, Knock!
Who’s there?
Banana.
Knock, Knock!
Who’s There?
Banana
Knock, Knock!
Who’s There?
Orange.
Orange Who?
Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
How are men and linoleum alike?
If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for life!
Compliments of Gerald (because I can never think of funny little jokes like this!) — Two guys pissing off a bridge. The first guy says “that water is cold”. The second guy says “it’s deep too”….cha ching. 🙂
A drummer walks into the library and stops at the service desk.
Librarian: “Can I help you?
Drummer: “Yeah, I’d like a cheeseburger, french fries, and a Coke.”
Librarian: “This is a library.”
Drummer: “Oh sorry!” whispers: “I’d like a cheeseburger, fries, and a Coke.”
Here’s a limerick my dad taught me when I was a kid (yes, really).
There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose cock was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
That encompassed his chin,
“If my ear was a cunt I could fuck it!”
Get well soon!
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick!
I asked my five year old to tell me a joke. Here it is.
*Frogs like to eat cows.*
That’s the joke, apparently.
Sorry this isn’t short but it’s worth a giggle:
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ‘Seven Points.’
His wife rolls over and says, ‘What in the world was that?’ The old man replied, ‘its fart football.’
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score…’
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, ‘Aha. I’m ahead 14 to 7.’
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score.’
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, ‘Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.’ Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, ‘What the hell was that?’
The old man says, ‘Half time, switch sides
A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender does a doubletake and asks, “Pardon me, sir… is that a *steering wheel* down the front of your pants?”
“Aye”, replies the pirate, “Tis driving me nuts!”
Oh, shit – one more. An older woman is reading Cosmo to spice up her marriage. She sees an idea she likes.
The next morning, she comes to breakfast naked, except for a red cape. She climbs up on the table and exclaims to her husband:
“Da da da da da da!!!! Super Pussy!”
Her husband looks at her for a minute and says, “Uh… I’ll take the soup.”
Christopher,
I hope you heal quickly. Miss you.
I leave you with a quote that always makes me snort:
“You can lead a horticulture but you can’t make her think” — Dorothy Parker
Laura
Christopher,
Ok, and THIS one is from my boyfriend Tracy:
A rope went into a bar, the bartender said “Hey you get out of here! We don’t serve rope in this bar!” So the rope went outside, tied a clove hitch in his body, messed up his hair and went back inside. The bartender says, “Ain’t you that same piece of rope that was just here?” And the rope said. “Nope, I’m ‘fraid not”.
Laura
Remember three out of four people make up 75% of the population.
https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpt1/v/t1.0-9/11866495_10206248557747845_8193726817540183102_n.jpg?oh=8d658bb4482cfe344126880938355f29&oe=564914E9
True story: my assistant asking her friend if she’s coming to our upcoming Trivia Night. Autocorrect got the best of her friend, who replied she is “trying to lick down those tables.” Yum! (I assume she means lock). Ok, not the funniest but it’s what I could come up with on the spur of the moment.
From My 21 month old…
E: Knock, knock
You: who is there?
E: Pigggy
You:Pigggy who?
Then he makes a snorting noise…then laughs like crazy.
An eskimo takes his snowmobile into the shop. The mechanic says, “Well, it looks like you blew a seal.” The eskimo says, “Oh no, that’s just frost on my mustache.”
What syrup do computer geeks put on their pancakes?
Blog Cabin
Sorry, I don’t do jokes, but I am wishing you well!
Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a man jumped out of the bushes and flashed them.
The first lady had a stroke, the second lady had a stroke, but the third lady had short arms and couldn’t reach.
There once was a mathematician named Hall,
Who possessed a hexdronical ball,
The cube of it’s weight,
Plus his pecker times eight
Is his phone number, give him a call.
There once was a man named Mcnamiter
Who had a tool of prodigious diameter
It wasn’t the size
That gave girls a surprise,
It was his rhythm, iambic pentameter.
My favorite from Steven Wright
I moved into my new apartment and found a switch that didn’t appear to operate anything. I flipped it on, and off, on and off, on and off. Two weeks later I got a letter from a guy in Australia that simply said “Stop It”.
A skeleton walks into a bar. Orders a beer and a mop.
😀
So, I’ve not been around to read stuff recently what with all the galavanting around Europe, so I hope the surgery went well.
Here’s a joke that I found hilarious:
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, “That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. “The bus driver insulted me,” she fumed.
The man sympathized with her and said, “Why, he’s a public servant and shouldn’t say things to insult passengers.”
“You’re right,” she said. “I think I’ll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.”
“That’s a good idea,” the man said. “Here, let me hold your monkey.”
Thanks for sharing