This May Be The Laziest Thing I’ve Ever Done.

Several years ago I saw this headboard and thought it was a terrible idea.

headboardWhy is it a terrible idea? Because when you’re in bed there are just certain things you don’t want to hear:

“That’s very well lit for the bottom of a crater of an abandoned volcano at the bottom of the sea.”

“We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese.”

“Santa’s going to whimper like a whipped pup.”

“Make my muscle car prune colored.”

“Next on ESPN, full contact nightgown wrestling!”

“This is where my tongue lives.”

“I need to know what not to do on a date!”

“So can I split your top and butter your buns?”

“This man is wearing a push-up bra. Now he’s pleasing.”

This time, don’t make so much noise when you ‘read.’”

“I don’t make threats, Mr. Fingal, only promises. And a great pork roll!”

“He tried to kill me with a forklift!”

“You have fingers. I like that in a man.”

“Do you know that I have little bunnies painted on my knees?”

“Look, look, look at my crotch. Look, look look at my crotch. Loooook at my crotch. Yay!”

“Oh, and “go Packers” too, but mostly burn the witch.”

“Some carrots are frozen. Some carrots are humiliated publicly.”

“Watch out for snakes!”

“I’ve got a mantis in my pantis.”

“Just puttin’ the salmon balls away.”

“He takes on a series of strange body habits…wears toast in his pants…”

“No springs? I don’t care. There’s still butter and meatloaf.”

“Jiminy, thinks Johnny, if only I could get a ride in one of those.”

“The ear is the human organ the public speaker is most likely to try to impress as he makes a speech…after the human nipple.”

“Oh, the previous tenant didn’t flush.”

“Kids’ brains always taste better when they’ve been thinking about donuts.”

“Trumpy, no!”

And, of course:

“Well, there it is. Spankings all around then.”

If you need me I’ll be in bed.

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  1. Gina W.

    OK, I immediately recognized the cut-out figures of the characters from “Mystery Theater 3000” but I have to say I didn’t recognize most of the references you made. When that show was on I’d sometimes stop and watch a bit and chuckle over the funny comments but I was never a devoted fan. Still, any time you made a sexual reference, it made me laugh. Because I’m a big fan of inappropriate humor. Hooray for sexual innuendos!

    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      With a headboard like that I figured everything they said was suggestive, but maybe it all just went innuendo and out the other. MST3K was the ideal way to kill time on long nights when I couldn’t sleep, and I love a lot of old movies, although some of the movies they screened were so awful it was a test of endurance to get through them even with the funny comments.

  2. Margot

    I don’t get this at all, but it was very entertaining nevertheless. Are these quotes from the show that Gina mentioned? I like to think that “Trumpy, no!” refers to Donald Trump. I’m going to use it like that from now on.

    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      Yes, these are all comments from Mystery Science Theater 3000, a show about a guy with two robot companions forced to watch terrible movies. They make them more bearable with a hilarious running commentary. “Trumpy, no!” is from the film Pod People and refers to an alien with a big nose and terrible hair…which makes turning it into a reference to Donald Trump brilliant.
      For a taste of what they do one of my favorite shorts is Why Study Industrial Arts?

  3. Shawna

    These movies are the best after partaking in Colorado’s recently legal delicacies. Yeah, I live in AZ. WHAT OF IT?? I need that head board. Bad.

    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      Just don’t spook the walnuts.


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