The Envelope Please…

theater

[The theater lights are dim. Searchlights wander over the stage curtains. There’s a great fanfare.]

ANNOUNCER

Live from beautiful downtown Cucamonga it’s…the seventh annual Menties! Celebrating the very best in comments from all over the web. And now here are your hosts Ed and Claire!

[A screen at the back of the stage covered with overlapping pages of various blogs lights up. The forward lights then illuminate the front of the stage as Ed and Claire come out from opposite sides of the stage.]

ED and CLAIRE (singing)

Hey, what do have to say?

Drop a comment in the box below!

We want to know what you have to say

Even if the post is from a year ago!

 

We want your thoughts.

Do we have to give you a bribe?

Please add to our hits,

And whatever you do please subscribe!

 

We love to get your feedback,

It feeds our bodies and souls,

It keeps us on track

To see comments stack,

Whether positive or flack,

But please whatever you do,

No matter what they say to you,

Especially if the account is new,

Don’t feed the trolls!!!

[Scattered applause.]

ED

Boy, that was a great opening number, wasn’t it Claire?

CLAIRE

Do you really want to know or are you just fishing for compliments?

[They both laugh.]

CLAIRE

Welcome once again to the annual Menties, celebrating the very best—

ED

And worst!

CLAIRE

That the internet has to offer. So, Ed, where should we begin?

ED

Where else but at the beginning? Let’s start with the award for the very first comment. Dated January 1, 2015 with a time stamp of 00.00.00.001—that’s right, folks, one millisecond into the new year—it’s this comment from user jcope998 on the blog This’ll Fixit.

[“This is very helpful. Thanks.” appears on the screen behind Ed and Claire.]

ED

Wow. That’s so moving. I’m so glad jcope998 was able to get help.

CLAIRE

Even more impressive, Ed, is that the user was coming back from a trip to Australia and had just passed over the International Date Line.

ED

A little down-under action, eh?

CLAIRE

Let’s not go there Ed. Unfortunately jcope998 couldn’t be here to accept the award in person, but did send this message.

[Reading] “I’m honored, I guess? Is this really a thing?”

ED

Wonderful. Now, moving on—

[The lights and screen go dark. Lightning flashes across the screen. Thunder peals through the theater. The lights come back on. A giant stone bridge now hangs over the stage. Ed rides out on a miniature train. As he approaches center stage it falls over.]

ED

It looks like I’ve been derailed. What time is it now? Oh, I’m under a bridge. That can mean only one thing…it’s time to give the award for this year’s best troll. And while the competition was fierce the award goes to…Kevin Jelkins for starting arguments on no less than three-thousand blogs. Come on up and accept your award, Kevin!

[Scattered applause as a husky man with a blonde mullet and a prominent bald spot wearing an ill-fitting t-shirt that says “Sex Machine” comes up to the stage. Claire comes out and hands him the award, a collection of multi-colored threads loosely woven into a rainbow embedded in a clear plastic block.]

KEVIN

Uh, I’m not Kevin. I’m, uh, here taking this for him since he couldn’t be here. So I’d like to thank him for letting me do that. And you all suck. This is just like when Tamerlane first came to power and the—

[Music begins playing. Claire quietly thanks Kevin and directs him off the stage. Kevin doesn’t move.]

KEVIN [Shouting]

The first thing Tamerlane did was register crossbows! And he took away peoples’ carriages! This is just like what the big government data collection is doing to us, people! Wake up! You all suck!

[Two security guards come on stage and drag Kevin off.]

KEVIN

CUCUCMBERS ARE TOO A FRUIT!

[Scattered applause. Stagehands roll the bridge off to the right. Quick cut to the audience. Everyone’s looking at phones or tablets.]

ED

Well, that was really something, just like me. Right, Claire?

CLAIRE

Don’t make me remind you about the restraining order, Ed. And now, ladies and gentlemen, it’s the time of the evening you’ve all been waiting patiently for.

ED

Yes, every year there’s one special comment that really stands out, the Comment Of The Year. And the winner is…

[He tears open the envelope and shows it to Claire.]

CLAIRE

Still loading! Available bandwidth exceeded! Thank you, and goodnight everybody!

[An instrumental version of the opening song begins to play. The curtain falls.]

Facebook Comments

6 Comments

  1. Margot

    Wow. This is *so* creative and entertaining! I can’t even imagine how you came up with it.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      This is an idea I’ve been working on for almost a year. I really love getting comments and considered a year-end wrap-up that would genuinely thank all the people who make this blog better with their comments, but I didn’t want to single anyone out. And then I started thinking how ridiculous and self-serving awards shows are. That’s not a comment on commenters, but I did think it was a funny idea.
      I’m so glad you liked it.

      Reply
  2. Gina W.

    I agree with Margot’s comment. Also, it’s a good think Kevin didn’t show because his “Free Mustache Rides” t-shirt would have detracted from the classiness of the ceremony.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      Yes, we certainly wouldn’t have wanted anything detracting from the classiness of the ceremony, and Claire probably would have had to get another restraining order to cover Kevin.
      Speaking of classiness in general it’s probably a good thing I cut the awards for the year’s most inappropriate comment and the best spam.

      Reply
  3. Ann Koplow

    This is very helpful. Thanks.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      Of all the words I’d think people would use to describe this I would never have thought of “helpful” as one of them, but I’m glad you found it to be so.

      Reply

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