“Okay, that’ll be five seventy-three.”
“The sign says they’re two for four dollars.”
“Oh, that’s with the card. See?”
“Wow, that is really small. I thought a bug did that.”
“If you’ll just let me have your card I can give you the discount.”
“Well, I don’t have a card. How do I get one?”
“Really easy. Just fill out this form.”
“Okay, I don’t know my maternal grandmother’s maiden name. Jeez, I’m not even sure where she’s buried. “
“Oh, you can just make something up for that.”
“And the address of where I went to kindergarten?”
“Sure.”
“What if I don’t want to give out my phone number?”
“Oh, no, I definitely need that so I can text you the activation code. Why don’t you step aside so I can check out these other people?”
“Sure.”
“Almost done?”
“I thought so but pages six and seven were stuck together. I’ve put down my signature. Why do they need a credit card number if it’s just for discounts and stuff?”
“I don’t know, sir, that’s just company policy.”
“Okay. Why does it matter if I’ve been overseas in the last twenty years?”
“Once that’s done I’ll put it in the system and send you the activation code. You can also click the link and that’ll speed up the processing.”
“And then I’ll get the discount?”
“Yeah, once your card is activated. That usually takes seven to ten days.”
“But if the processing is sped up…”
“Yeah, if you don’t use the link it takes four to six weeks.”
“You know what? Forget it. I don’t want the bottled water anymore.”
“But you’re almost finished! Look, you’ve filled in everything up to page nine.”
“Yeah, all right. What’s this ‘FP’?”
“Fingerprints. That’s what those ten boxes are for.”
“Do I need ink or something?”
“No, check this out. It’s really cool. Just press your finger in the box. See? It leaves a mark.”
“Is it supposed to burn?”
“Give me just a sec to check these other people out.”
“What’s this little plastic disk?”
“Press your finger on it.”
“My fingers are still burning.”
“Just press your finger down on the disk.”
“Ouch!”
“That’s for the blood sample. And it looks like you’re all done!”
“My finger is starting to swell.”
“Oh, we’ve got an ointment for that that you can buy on aisle twelve.”
“How much is it?”
“Twelve dollars. With the card.”
Ha! It’s always in aisle twelve…
It’s a little known fact that aisle twelve is the center of the universe.
I can’t believe there’s no charge for reading your very valuable blog, Chris. I don’t even mind filling in my name, email, and website every friggin’ time I comment. At least my fingers aren’t burning.
I’m frustrated that WordPress won’t let you log in and remain that way, but I’m glad you go to the trouble of filling in all your information. It’s nice to know who’s visiting, but I will always use that power for good, never evil, and will never request a blood or other tissue sample.
I love telling clerks that my phone number is unlisted (it really is) so I don’t want to give it out. I’m paying good money for that option! Their faces usually freeze for a moment and they don’t know what to do. Then they say that a cell or work number is fine and I’m like, “Um yeah, I don’t want you calling me at work or on my cell either”. Pretty sure there’s no reason that the Gymboree store at the mall and I need to have any kind of conversation. Haven’t been asked for a blood sample… yet.
Yeah, it’s unlisted and you want to keep it that way. I also take a strict don’t-call-me-I’ll-call-you policy on these things. The only people who need my number are the restaurants where I’m picking up a to-go order, although most of the time I get there before my order’s ready and they don’t have to call me. And they don’t keep my number.
Although it is kind of scary that there are some places that I order from so often they recognize my voice.
“Hi, I’d like to place a to-go order.”
“Oh, hi Chris, how are you? You want the sushi combo #27, right?”
I’m at work laughing. Out loud. But what a good point. Basically now we have to donate our first born to qualify for a BOGO sale.
What’s even stranger to me is some places, like gas stations, just hand out cards without taking down any information. Eventually you can redeem the cards for “rewards”, although I’ve never used them enough to find out what the rewards are supposed to be.
The funny thing is there’s a grocery store that I go to very rarely that has a card that requires all that information, so I’ve never signed up. But when I buy things there and tell the cashier I don’t have a card they’ll scan their own card. I get the discount and maybe they get some rewards.