April 2015-The fiscal year got off to a strong start with a renewed determination among staff to look up the origins and meaning of the word “fiscal” and to finally get Rowena in the front office to stop pronouncing it “physical”.
May 2015-Freethinkers Anonymous celebrated a century of pop quizzes beginning in 1915 with “Former part of the Austro-Hungarian Empire or venereal disease?” with the publication of I Don’t Know Either: A Hundred Years Of Questions.
June 2015-We were all saddened by the retirement of long-time head of office security Pierre Bronski. Pierre has been with the organization for more than fifty years. We wish him the best of luck in his new hobby of staying up all night watching television. He says he “plans to catch up on English dramas”.
July 2015-An unexpected break-in led to nothing being stolen. The individuals responsible did go through the office archival collection of floppy disks and buggy whips and left a cryptic note that only said, “WTF?” A crack research team was given the task of determining the note’s meaning. Team members said that was fine with them because one Google search had told them more about “crack” than any of them wanted to know.
August 2015-Marietta MacIntosh was hired as the new head of security. She impressed the interview board with her credentials and her dead-on impersonation of Peter Falk. She was also able to assist with decoding the “WTF?” note and tracked down the individuals responsible for the break-in. She found them at the Sheepshead Pub on 27th Avenue.
September 2015-All staff meetings are now conducted at the Sheepshead Pub on 27th Avenue.
October 2015-A decision to have an impromptu impact therapy session for all employees suffering from coulrophobia with a mandatory screening of Stephen King’s It in the conference room was not as successful as hoped. Lawsuits are still pending.
November 2015-Employees celebrated Thanksgiving break. An office weight-loss program was overwhelmingly successful with the CEO singlehandedly causing the loss of twenty-two pounds of leftovers.
December 2015-Employees had the annual office holiday party. Productivity declined 0.01% prompting management to consider cancelling Christmas next year.
January 2016-Proactive synergization produced an upward transfer of mobile assets. The quarter’s end was marked with continued growth. Expectations remained high with both fiscal and physical determinants remaining both robust and concretely interactive. Trending markers are significantly impacting overall performance. I also took a shower.
February 2016-Human Resources had to intervene when team leaders required all employees to be their Valentine.
March 2016-A rash of celebrity deaths brought about a surprising rise of productivity. Plans are being made to have additional celebrities “bumped off”.
April 2016-Half the staff left to cover the World Croquet Cup in Pomona. Press credentials were not available at the time of departure but everyone assumed they’d be able to get the required packets on arrival. Unfortunately problems arose with passports in Poughkeepsie and staff were forced to rely on alternative provisions.