Ted Allen: It’s the final round. We’re down to just two contestants now. And our judges today are chef and restaurateur Jeff Cannon, owner of The Painted Napkin in Poughkeepsie, art critic Sylvester Clewes, and actress Julia Morgan whose romantic comedy “Streak of Pride” is in theaters now.
All right, this round your baskets included fiddlehead ferns, a quarter round of Parmaggiano reggiano, rattlesnake, and a human skull. Let’s see what you did with those elements. First up is Frida Kahlo.
Frida Kahlo: Thank you. Judges, last round you said you were surprised my work composed of avocado, a lobster, art deco architecture, and tube socks wasn’t personal enough. For this round I present Self-Portrait With Skull And Rattlesnake.
Jeff Cannon: I like how you’ve used the skull to make this a double self-portrait, essentially facing your own mortality, but where are the fiddlehead ferns?
Frida Kahlo: They’re providing a base for the skull.
Jeff Cannon: Okay, I feel like they’re kind of lost in the composition.
Sylvester Clewes: And it looks like you’ve incorporated the cheese into the clouds.
Frida Kahlo: Yes, I saw the clouds in the pantry and thought they would be a good addition to the sunset background in the upper part of the picture.
Sylvester Clewes: I’m not so sure. I’m not a fan of surrealism anyway but I think the clouds are too busy.
Julia Morgan: I completely disagree. I think the clouds provide a solid contrast to the earthiness of the fiddlehead ferns and the rattlesnake.
Ted Allen: Okay. Next let’s see what Vincent Van Gogh has for us.
Vincent Van Gogh: What I have for you is Café Still Life: Cheese, Skull, Snake.
Ted Allen: And unfortunately you left the fiddlehead ferns at your station.
Vincent Van Gogh: Yes, I had been steeping those in absinthe and I didn’t get them incorporated before the time ran out.
Julia Morgan: I’m really sorry about that because I think the intense acid green would have played nicely against the deep rust color of the rattlesnake.
Vincent Van Gogh: Yes, the snake was intended as a clear metaphor for Satan and I wanted the ferns and absinthe to be an additional temptation.
Jeff Cannon: I like how you used the cheese to really bring the skull forward, adding depth to it, and I get the impression that this sort of interior still-life is not your typical milieu.
Vincent Van Gogh: No, most of my work is outdoor painting inspired by the Impressionists’ emphasis on light and open air so I was really working outside my comfort zone this round.
Sylvester Clewes: This is also the second round in a row in which you cut yourself.
Vincent Van Gogh: Yes, it’s a lucky thing I only have two ears.
[Everyone laughs]
Ted Allen: And, as you know, leaving out an ingredient is not necessarily an automatic disqualification. All right, painters, if you’ll retire the judges will deliberate. In a few minutes we’ll decide who will be the winner and who will be erased.
Author’s note: Don’t ask me where this came from. I love the cooking competition Chopped and fell asleep watching a marathon of it and, well…
I LOVED IT!! I giggled all the way through … I watch and like the cooking show too 😉
I’m so glad and I’d like to know if you ever get any ideas from Chopped. Sometimes I think it’s a cooking show about what not to do.
Coming up next on Food Network: can Jackson Pollock transform a major blender blunder into a star dish with only seconds to spare? You won’t want to miss this very special back-to-back episode of Chopped!
Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. And of course Pollock would be going up against Mark Rothko, Willem DeKooning, and Vermeer. There’s a face-off I’d like to see.
I’m really in awe of this. You have multiple levels of satire but they all sound equally polished. Nice piece!
Wow. I’m blown away. When I wrote this I thought it was pretty goofy and didn’t expect people to like it, but a parody of Chopped is an idea I’ve had knocking around in my head since, well, since I first saw it. I’m so glad you enjoyed it.
Many thanks for this artful post, Chris. Michael and I used to watch “Chopped” all the time until Michael chopped it from our routine because he consistently disagreed with who the judges kept chopping. Oh, and Michael planned to chop fiddleheads for dinner this week until he realized their poor quality required them to be chopped from the menu.
I’m glad you enjoyed the art here and I hope asparagus is available, since I understand it’s an acceptable substitute for fiddlehead ferns–which I’ve never tried.
The clouds were definitely too busy. Chop Vincent… again.
Vincent’s life was pretty choppy. Then again so was Frida Kahlo’s. I’d have a hard time chopping either one.
Hilarious. And I’m glad Vincent used the right kind of absinthe!
He had the advantage of being around in the 19th century when it was still widely available, made with wormwood, and dirt cheap. I think those three things combined were what made it so popular.
Holy crap…this is hilarious!
I’m so glad you think so. The funniest thing to me is I didn’t think anyone would like it. Apparently I have no taste.
I don’t even know what Chopped is and I still got a laugh! Especially Vincent’s ‘comfort zone’ comment. 🙂 Is the show like a celebrity MasterChef or something? Do you guys have that over there? A cooking show which I just do not get (all the judges sound like massive wankers) because I’m not a foodie. I love to eat, don’t get me wrong, and I love good food, I just don’t need to listen to someone whingeing that their peas are ‘derivative’ or ‘boring’ when they should be showing a bit of bloody gratitude that someone is cooking for them. Hey cook for ME! I won’t complain!
Chopped is a cooking competition, but not exactly like celebrity MasterChef, which we also have. It starts with four chefs who are given a basket of ingredients and they have to prepare a dish using all the ingredients within a time limit. The baskets have included combinations like–I’m not making this up–venison tenderloin, quince, and eggnog, or Asian pears, croissants, haricots verts, and rattlesnake meat.
Anyway I’m with you. If it tastes good who cares if it’s ‘derivative’?