And out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof.
–Genesis 2:19 (King James Version)
God: Hey Adam, come over here. I’ve got a job for you.
Adam: What is it?
God: I thought it would be fun if you named the animals.
Adam: Sure. There aren’t a lot of them, are there?
God: No, this’ll be easy. Shouldn’t take more than…well, anyway, let’s get started with this little guy.
Adam: Let me think. I guess I’ll call it a ‘mouse’.
God: I like that. Here’s another one.
Adam: Well that looks just like a bigger mouse.
God: No, totally different animals, trust me.
Adam: Fine. I’ll call that a ‘rat’.
God: And here’s the next one.
Adam: Wait, are you messing with me here? That’s just a rat with a bushy tail.
God: No, really, no joke, this is a whole other animal.
Adam: Fine. Let’s just call it a ‘squirrel’.
God: Great. Let’s keep going. Here’s something a little different.
Adam: Interesting. I guess ‘lizard’.
God: Cool. And how about this one?
Adam: That’s just a lizard without legs.
God: No it’s not!
Adam: Yes it is! Fine, you want a name for it? I’ll call it a ‘snake’ since I guess ‘we need a lizard without legs for some reason’ is too long.
God: Yeah, not one of my better ideas.
Snake: (muttering) I’ll get you for that.
Adam: I’ll call that next thing a ‘bird’.
God: Are you sure you want to be so general?
Adam: What do you mean?
God: Well, what are you going to call this thing?
Adam: Well, I guess that’s also a bird.
God: Yeah, but don’t you think you should give them different names, to sort of tell them apart?
Adam: I don’t know. How many are there?
God: (thoughtfully) Yeah, Darwin kinda has that same question. Leads to all kinds of stuff.
Adam: What?
God: Sorry, getting ahead of myself here. Let’s keep going.
[Several hours later]
Adam: I thought you said there weren’t going to be that many.
God: Well from my perspective it doesn’t seem like all that many. I mean, consider yourself lucky you’re just dealing with one planet.
Adam: One what?
God: Never mind. Let’s switch gears a little bit and I’ll bring up some aquatic life. Here, here’s something you’ll like.
Adam: Okay, well, I guess I’ll call that a ‘fish’.
God: That’s a good general term…
Adam: Are you kidding me? Is this birds all over again?
God: Well…we can come back to that. Here’s something really different.
Adam: GOD! WHAT IS THAT?
God: Hey, hey, hey, watch how you’re using my name. Don’t make me lay down some ground rules.
Adam: It’s just that’s…that’s not like anything I’ve seen so far. It’s…how am I even going to get along with that?
God: Good point. You know what? You’re probably not gonna run into any of these. So just give it a nice quick name and we’ll move on.
Adam: Sure, okay. Wow. A nice quick name. I guess I’ll call it a ‘squid’.
God: Great. Okay, let’s get back to land animals. Let’s look at some that might be useful to you.
Adam: Great, I could use some help around here.
God: What about that thing you called ‘dog’?
Adam: Well, it’s nice and all, but what I could really use is an extra pair of hands.
God: Oh, we’ll get to that. Here’s a nifty little number I think you’ll like.
Adam: Well I wouldn’t call it ‘little’. It makes an interesting noise. I guess I’ll call it a ‘cow’. Hey, what are the dangly things around its hind legs?
God: Oh, those dispense a high-protein beverage called ‘milk’.
Adam: Doesn’t sound particularly appetizing.
God: Your kids are gonna love it.
Adam: My what?
God: Anyhoo, here’s another.
Adam: That looks like a fat hairless dog someone punched in the face.
God: Come on, lighten up. You’re gonna love this creature.
Adam: Yeah? What does it do?
God: Um, well, it eats a lot and spends a lot of time rolling around in its own filth.
Adam: Yeah, great job there. A dirty, disgusting animal. It deserves a blunt, brutal name, something like ‘pig’.
God: That’s it. You don’t like it? Fine. I forbid you to eat bacon.
Adam: What’s that?
God: Your kids are gonna love it. Or grandkids. Somewhere down the line. Speaking of that I think it’s about time we got you some help around here. And I have a sudden craving for ribs.
I see God passed his immense sense of humour on to you 🙂 An excellent read – must FB this.
Yes, a sense of humor seems to have been written into my very DNA. In the delivery room when I was born I looked at the doctor in his mask and asked, “Is this a robbery or are you just ugly?”
This was so cute!
Thank you. And that’s funny–“cute” was not a word I thought anyone would associate with this, although cute is in the eye of the beholder.
No, not the defenseless hairless dog!
I understand some people do turn them into pets. That makes it so much harder to turn them into bacon.
God: Here, I’m almost out of ideas but I made you this venomous seal-beaver thing with a duck face.
Adam: …bro, WTF. Are you high?
God: EXCUSE ME?
Adam: Uh…I mean, wow, great, uh…great ‘platypus’, man! And by the way I totally didn’t learn a bunch of stuff from the snake about that field of weird plants with the spiky leaves while you were taking forever making that…thing, no siree, not at all, and anyone who says different – *glares at pig* – is a liar.
The Apocrypha, like that field of weird plants with the spiky leaves, is a neverending source of amusement.
I name this post hilarious, Chris.
I name this comment brilliant, as usual.
Clever! But how does God explain the Goblin Shark? Isn’t that the blending of two different mythos?
Well, if the world really was made in six days then I’m sure a lot of stuff got thrown together at the last minute. And the Goblin Shark is proof that mashups have been around a lot longer than anyone realizes.