When making goals the key is to remember the acronym SMART, which stands for Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Rank, and something that starts with T. With that in mind here are my goals for the coming year:
Lose ten pounds.
Make healthier eating choices–I might even try these “vegetables” everyone talks about.
Do at least twenty minutes of exercise daily.
Read a book.
Always use reusable bags at the grocery store.
Join a volunteer group.
Learn to make my own olives.
Take up smoking.
Find out what that smell is.
Run fifteen minutes in under a mile.
Write thank you notes to complete strangers.
Pay homage to the Roman god Janus.
Climb a tree.
Leave the gun. Take the cannoli.
Get some new underwear.
Use “rugby” as an adjective, but irregularly so no one can tell whether it’s good or bad.
Rock this town, rock it inside out.
Get less sleep.
Get into fewer arguments with lawn furniture.
Spy on llamas.
Find out the difference between liniment and salve.
Talk to myself in the elevator.
Buy a scented phone.
Meet friends for lunch in the middle of the night.
Offer free wi-fi to turtles.
Take off, you hoser.
Take a shower.
Find out the difference between jelly and jam.
You fools, don’t you realize you’re in danger? They’re here already!
I wish I could be like David Watts.
Solo Nixon podria ir a China.
Drink more liquids.
I’d like to make it a true daily double, Alex.
Go into a studio to record an album. Get in an argument with myself over creative differences.
Weave window blinds into baskets.
Air out my feet at least twice a week.
Slam a revolving door.
Play chess with Death on a Scandinavian shoreline. Cheat.
Would sixty gallons be sufficient?
Find out what “T” stands for.
Give my regards to Broadway.
You know who you never meet anymore? Guys named Clarence.
Find out if there’s a noun version of the word “crotchety”.
Never wear a leopard-print leotard in public.
Introduce myself to everyone by saying, “Dr. Livingston, I presume?”
Give the people a light and they will follow it anywhere.
Appear in a feature film, or at least pay full price to see one in the theater.
Answer that letter from the Queen.
Get hives. No, the ones you keep bees in.
Do laundry. It’s been six months.
Find out the difference between a cape and a cloak.
Run away from the circus, join a normal family.
Dress up as a priest. Walk into bars.
Get a credit card. Use it only for gourmet salsa.
Harness the power of static electricity.
Offer unsolicited advice to hackberry trees.
Try ziplining as a creative way to get to work.
Remember the three most important things in genetic engineering: mutation, mutation, mutation.
Try club soda. If that doesn’t work do you have any linseed oil?
Give the conn to my first officer a couple of times a week.
Right, but dogs can look up.
I like all of them. When you find out about liniment and salve, please let me know.
I have a weird feeling there really is a difference between salve and liniment, and I will be sure to let you know when I figure it out.
Have you submitted this crotchety to a publication, Chris? I resolve to find your work in places beyond this fabulous and rugby blog, in Time.
I never even thought of submitting this to a publication, but now I wonder if perhaps I missed an opportunity. Thank you, and I think a genuine resolution for the coming year should be to submit more work for potential publication.