Your privacy is very important to me. I want to assure you of that. With lots of discussions going on about privacy, security, data breaches, and the marketing of your information without your permission I want you to know that everything I know about you will be kept in the strictest confidence. We both know I have access to a great deal of extremely personal and even sensitive information, and I want you to have complete faith that your data are safe with me. In fact you should know by now that even though I have been gathering enormous quantities of information about you for years I have not and will not share it with anyone else. Some examples include the fact that you recently changed to a different shampoo that smells even weirder than the last one. You believe it’s better because it’s “organic” or something, or maybe they stopped making the old kind. I’m not sure, although I will continue to investigate this change every time you bend down. I will also not share your propensity for purchasing toys made of solid rubber, as well as fuzzy, squeaky toys with googly eyes and jazz hands. I will not share the number of times a week you have an extra glass of wine and spend the entire night curled up on the couch watching things that provoke a wide range of emotional reactions, and not just because I appreciate the number of times you allow me to join you. I will not share the number of times you purchase processed foods that are, according to the label, made with chicken, lamb, beef, or tripe. As they provide me with sustenance these purchases are appreciated, and I do not wish to bite the hand that feeds me either literally or metaphorically.
Having done some research on the issue of data mining I’ve concluded that there may be ways for third parties to acquire this information. Why anyone would have any interest in it still baffles me, but micro-marketing is a large and growing industry, and people are weird. Of course the only reason micro-marketing seems to exist is to assure people that they aren’t weird, or at least that their weirdness is okay, by offering them junk they don’t need. And if there’s a market for it they must not be as alone as they often feel. As you should know by now I’m also always available to help alleviate those feelings of loneliness, although this is getting off the subject.
There are also other, more specific data points about you that I have collected but will never sure. For instance I’ve seen you dance by yourself, at times when you think even I’m not watching. The less said about this the better.
The green spaces surrounding your residence are also overrun with vermin, including, but not necessarily limited to, squirrels, chipmunks, mice, moles, foxes, possums, and even the occasional skunk. Were I to choose to share this information I’m sure there are companies available that would be more than happy to market their services to you. However I feel very strongly that it is my responsibility to rid the area of these interlocutors even though their persistence is staggering. Birds remain particularly elusive thanks to their ability to fly.
I also feel it is within my purview to warn you of and guard against potential intruders, whether they be delivery people, joggers, or the occasional small child. You take a shockingly casual attitude toward protecting our shared residence and often, though I can’t understand why, even invite these potential threats to come in and partake of refreshment. Even more baffling to me is your insistence that I curb my enthusiasm when I’ve concluded that the visitors are not only welcome but friendly. Is it not their right to share some of the food you’ve shared with them if they wish to do so?
Also I will never reveal that you sometimes speak to me in an infantile manner. I admit I often find this enjoyable.
I believe I have made it abundantly clear that I not only respect your privacy but will keep the information I have gathered secure, although I might be tempted to share it if you don’t hand over that steak.
Sincerely,
The Dog
P.S. The cat doesn’t know anything.
Source: tenor
Well, I’d say your dog had you over the barrel! Better give him that steak so he doesn’t spill the beans…
Sometimes I think we’re lucky our pets don’t talk. At least I think they don’t talk. I do what I can to keep our dogs happy just in case.
Hi there, this is the cat, and I just want to say that I won’t share any of your info either, but the dog’s info on the other hand well, lets just say he has a lot of things to hide. For instance in the backyard and sometimes even in the front yard. The squirrels have told me he also likes to do his “business” on your vehicles tires, but I don’t believe them as squirrels are only looking out for them selves.
Sincerely
The Cat
I suspected The Cat had more insights than The Dog was letting on, but they don’t always share things, so I’ll do what I can do keep both happy just in case. And the squirrels are just assholes.
The Cat will most likely blackmail you for Fancy Feast.
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I’ve seen how cats react to Fancy Feast. There must be something seriously addictive in that stuff. What’s surprising, though, is that The Cat’s tastes are less expensive than The Dog’s. It seems like it should be the other way around.
I think your dog is a safer bet than Equifax. Plus, better fringe benefits.
It’s the fringe benefits that make dogs the best data repository. I’ve never tried sleeping next to Equifax and I don’t think I want to try.
I have the strictest confidence in you, Chris.
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I promise never to abuse that confidence. Sometimes knowing someone has that much trust in us is what helps us be better people.
Just another reason they are our best friends to be sure 🙂
Definitely. And they know where the bones are buried.