There’s been a lot of discussion lately of the new whisky pods. If you haven’t seen these they’re just like the gel pods that laundry detergent comes in, only filled with whisky, and with less of a laundry detergent flavor. I suspect this idea was cooked up by the marketing department that realized that kids putting detergent pods in their mouths was a terrible thing and also a fad that wasn’t bound to last and that it was a much better marketing strategy to find ways to get kids to put booze in their mouths. Also they wanted to appeal to adults who, for the most part, haven’t shown much interest in putting laundry detergent in our mouths. Oddly enough most adults prefer using laundry detergent for laundry.
As you can probably tell I think the booze pods are a great idea because whenever I scoop up a handful of whiskey most of it runs out before I can get it to my mouth. And for a while I tried using glasses until someone told me I was taking the expression “beer goggles” much too literally, but that’s another story.
I did finally realize I could put whiskey in the same sort of container I use for other beverages and drink from that, but I asked myself, where’s the fun? And where’s the added advantage of a nice chewy gelatin cover? Jell-O shots are a nice alternative but require a lot of work. The little single-serving size bottles of alcohol are nice too, but I find the glass hard to chew. Someone suggested airplane-size bottles, and while I enjoy a glass or two of whiskey as much as the next guy—if the next guy is Dylan Thomas—a bottle the size of a Cessna is a bit much.
Another advantage of whisky pods is that this Halloween yours can be the most popular house on the block. While everybody else is handing out candy just throw a couple of whiskies into the kids’ bags and tell ‘em “Those are for your parents.” Just make sure your house is the last stop. Whisky pods are naturally breakable and you don’t want kids going home with their candy bags smelling like the Orkney islands.
In case you couldn’t guess this is satire, and if you didn’t realize that it’s completely understandable. In a world where whisky pods are an actual thing you can buy anything is possible.