So my wife is a light sleeper. I kind of envy that. I’m a very heavy sleeper and I always have this fear in the back of my mind that I’m missing something or that I might miss something, that I might sleep through a tornado or a fire or a herd of wild warthogs crashing through the bedroom in the middle of the night. It’s a fear that would keep me up at night if it weren’t so exhausting. I’ve also found I can sleep almost anywhere. More than once sharing a hotel room with friends I’ve slept in the bathtub, which can really be quite comfortable once you get enough bedding down and don’t put your pillow over the faucet end.
Anyway the other morning I was going to make an early run to the grocery store and let my wife sleep. I used to do this at least once a week, back when I’d go to work and she’d sometimes stay home, and had a whole routine: I’d put my clothes and wallet and keys in the spare bedroom so I could get dressed and go without disturbing her. I showered–which, by the way, I’ve also found is a lot better if done in a bathtub–and went to the spare room where I had my clothes ready. I was dressed and ready to go to the store when I realized that, because it’s been a while since I’d gone through the routine I’d missed a crucial step. I’d left my keys and wallet in the bedroom. She wasn’t alone in there either: she had one of the dogs with her, and if you’ve lived with dogs you know they’re heavy sleepers but will jump up at the slightest noise, barking those barks that mean “WHAT, WHAT? IS IT WARTHOGS? IS IT TIME TO GO OUT? CAN WE HAVE BREAKFAST NOW?” I don’t know why we bother setting the alarm each night because the dogs have an internal timer and get us up every morning exactly seven minutes before it goes off because they’re ready for breakfast.
I carefully opened the bedroom door and slipped in. My wife was still asleep. So was the dog. Quietly I picked up my wallet. Then my keys, which jingled slightly. Still no movement or sound from the other side of the bedroom. I moved to the door and slipped out. I went to the store and got back before my wife even woke up.
I’ve never considered a career in burglary but it’s good to know it’s a possibility. My wife is a light sleeper and I’m a, well, I guess it sounds bad to say I’m a light creeper. Although I am worried that if I crept into someone’s house I’d take a nap in their bathtub.