April 2020-After a relatively productive March the weight of the lockdown hit all staff like a ton of bricks. This left everyone pretty down until team member Joe Bertman asked, “Hey, how many bricks would it take to make a ton?” Everyone leapt into this new research project and quickly determined it would be about 305 bricks. Additional questions were raised about whether it was a standard ton or a metric ton, and if it were a metric ton shouldn’t it be spelled “tonne”? Anyway the answer for a metric tonne turned out to be between 333 and 385 so that was pretty much a month wasted.
May 2020-Staff gathered to determine whether it would be feasible to once again try to find the best milkshake in the city of Nashville with the usual debates over whether the search would include chain restaurants or only local places and how “local” would be defined. Then the realization that lots of places were still closed and no one was going anywhere anyway hit everyone like a tonne of bricks so that was pretty much a month wasted.
June 2020-Everyone continued to focus on their new responsibility, sitting in a closet eating Funyuns and reading Edgar Allan Poe, so that was pretty much a month wasted.
July 2020-Team member Joe Bertman suggested turning all those cardboard boxes filling the recycle bin into miniature models of houses and neighborhoods and either painting them or covering them with construction paper to make a charming village. When asked what the next step would be Joe said, “I dunno, set it on fire?” For some reason no one could get excited about this so that was pretty much a month wasted.
August 2020-The team ran out of Funyuns and no one really wanted more so that was pretty much a month wasted.
September 2020-Everyone got briefly excited about the question, “What Hollywood legends would be the funniest people to sing classic ’80’s songs?” Everyone thought James Mason doing an understated cover of “Tainted Love” would be hilarious, and that Shelley Winters doing “You Give Love A Bad Name” wouldn’t be funny so much as just awesome. Then team member Joe Bertman suggested “She Drives Me Crazy” sung by Katherine Hepburn, and everyone sort of drifted away thinking about how that wouldn’t sound that different from the original, so that was pretty much a month wasted.
October 2020-The annual team Halloween party was held via Zoom. No one showed up so that was pretty much a month wasted.
November 2020-Staff realized the CEO had been wearing the same hoodie since March and set off on a research project that ultimately determined that a hoodie worn for eight months by a man in his forties had the same accumulation of dirt and oil as a hoodie worn for eight hours by a teenage boy. The hoodie was then placed in the washing machine but then escaped, leaving a soggy trail, so that was pretty much a month wasted.
December 2020-Staff celebrated Hanukkah, the Solstice, and Christmas by sitting in a closet eating peanut brittle and reading Dylan Thomas, so that was pretty much a month wasted.
January 2021-No one could remember when January wasn’t pretty much a month wasted.
February 2021-Staff decided to revisit and earlier issue and a contest was held to see who could do the best impersonation of Katherine Hepburn singing “She Drives Me Crazy”. First place went to the CEO’s hoodie which showed up just for the event but then abruptly left, so the prize, a homemade milkshake, was given to team member Joe “Mudhead” Bertman. Staff had accidentally bought sorbet which it was soon discovered makes a terrible milkshake, so that was pretty much a month wasted.
March 2021-Staff began receiving vaccinations and there were signs of things returning to normal until everyone started wondering what “normal” looked like and then everyone just sort of drifted off to go and get wasted.