Once a year I get to indulge my love of the Monster Cereals—Count Chocula, Frankenberry, and Boo Berry, and once a year I’m disappointed that they never bring back Yummy Mummy or my personal favorite Fruit Brute.
And this year they’re even more disappointing because General Mills has scrapped the dark and usually well-drawn boxes—back in 2014 they even got DC artists, including Jim Lee and Rachel Dodson, to draw some really great designs—and gone retro. Really retro.
Not that going retro is necessarily bad, but just repeating the past is lazy even if it is the 50th anniversary. There’s a reason the 1988 remake of The Blob is still worth watching Gus Van Sant’s 1998 remake of Psycho isn’t.
Then I turned a corner and there was this:
NO NO NO. WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE? THIS IS AN ABOMINATION AND SHOULD NOT EXIST. NOT IN ANY SIZE.
So when I got home the first thing I did was check out the “ghosts”, which seem to have replaced the standard crunch berries.
If you look carefully the ghosts have green spots because, hey, if there’s one thing kids love it’s green stuff in their food.
These become more pronounced when you add milk. I also let it sit for a few minutes because Cap’n Crunch is also known as “the mouth shredder”.
And I’ve gotta give ‘em credit—truth in advertising. The cereal turns the milk a sea foam shade of green that’s almost but not quite entirely unappetizing. It also makes the milk a little slimy in a wow-do-I-need-to-brush-my-teeth kind of way.
It does the same if you add it to water.
That’s where the real fun comes in. You can make the milk, or water, an even darker shade of green by filtering out the cereal and adding more. I didn’t go too far because I was already getting a sugar buzz by my seventh bowl, but this is a fun cereal for the mad scientist, or pretty much anyone who likes to play with their food. And check out the artwork on the box: the shading, the coloring. They’ve turned the staid old cap’n into a demented Victor Frankenstein unleashing a slimy green milk horror on the world. Every part of it is a damn work of art.